We need to drop all our differences and unite against our common enemy: mercury in retrograde
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I’m not Madagascar, I’m just disappointedgascar
Waiting for Bernie Sanders to come out from under the ring and hitting someone with a steel chair to claim the presidential belt.
CIA Agent: First you’re gonna cry, then you’re gonna talk
Me: I’ll never talk
CIA Agent: [puts on the Notebook]
[two hours later]
Me: [crying] he-he just loved her so much you know?
CIA Agent: [also crying] wanna talk about it?
PEOPLE WITH CHRONICALLY MOIST HANDS:
When you have dry lips, rub them on your palms.
I call it Lip palm.
It’s free.
At last…. a TV interview that tackles the real issues (Andrew Weldon)
Practicing safe sax
Tried to save some money by getting Halloween candy at Aldi. I hope kids like Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.
I need a fifth of Wild Turkey, some meth, three sticks of dynamite and a Bible. I’ll explain later.
“There’s nothing wrong with being single.”
No.
“I’ve got plenty of time.”
Sure.
“I’m not lonely.”
Sir, are you going to buy anything?
Go ahead and share your political views at this office party. We’re all friends here.
– alcohol
Middle children as adults still trying to get attention because the oldest is being dramatic and the younger child is getting away with everything.
Construction worker: *whistles* Damn girl, you always move like that?
Me: [crab walking] yes, I’m a Cancer
My uber driver asked me how my day was so I opened the door and quietly rolled into the road.
I used to be the coolest kid in the 90s with a Windows 3.1 desktop. Now I have people on the train telling me that my phone’s flashlight is on
There’s no song for those of us who want to throw our hands up in the air and wave ‘em like we have a great deal of concern.
After the floors are mopped no one is allowed to walk on them again… Ever
~Women
Hey y’all, I finally got a smart phone. I’m a big girl now!
Anyone got a 5 year old I can borrow to teach me how to use the damn thing?
And y’all thought 2020 was going to be the worst year
WIFE: can’t wait until we’re old and sitting on the porch so I can tell you all my stories again because you won’t remember any of them
ME: wait… your retirement fantasy is I have dementia?
[trick or treating]
“Oh, what a cute little…what’s she doing?”
Me: potty training.
“In my pumpkin?!”
Me: She likes the heated seat.
… then, I hit the salesperson with “do you know who my father is?”, their attitude changed after that
Heart: Go get her.
Mind: It’s so risky.
Body: Does this recliner vibrate?
Got a text from my husband this morning saying that this wasn’t working out and he wanted a divorce! Boy was I relieved when he texted back saying that he sent it to the wrong number.
Does anybody know what date Easter is this year? And if so, what are you, obsessed with Easter
Magician: I need a volunteer. [man stands] Not you. [woman stands] Not you. GARY GET UP HERE! [Gary goes up] We’ve never met before, right?
This meeting could have been a cake
once i’ve learned to lay gigantic eggs and run 50 mph, it’s over for you ostriches.
Donating blood today to make room for more food
Cop: Did you murder all your friends and make a smoothie out of their dead bodies?
Strawberry Shortcake: I’ve been berry naughty!