HER: OMG Thats not going to fit
HIM: Just relax. I’ll go slow
HER: If you’re sure…
HIM: [severely damages surrounding cars while parking]
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Daisy: how are you
Gatsby: great
I’m looking forward to being the last two people on Twitter.
Playing catch with my 8yo, I missed a high throw and said “could’ve got that in my 30s.” He replied “oh yea when you get old you get shorter.”
My retirement plan is to buy several red polo shirts & anytime I need anything, go steal it from Target
5 ways to appear taller
Doctor: eating every 2 hours is wrong
Me: yea, 2 hours is a stretch
Website: You can’t use your last 5 passwords
Me: Stop flexing that you have a better memory than I have.
Losing my mind over the idea that pigeons existed before cities. Like can you imagine pigeons just hanging out in a forest? Eating bugs instead of gutter bagels? I personally just don’t buy it.
I’m sorry a horse was able to unlock your phone using facial recognition…
A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”
me: [having a normal conversation but also wondering if bees consider us thieves or business associates]
*job interview*
“Youre 30? Why haven’t you accomplished your life goals?”
“Tbh I thought the Mayan apocalypse was real. No plan past that.”
The mystery is not do spiders poop.
The mystery is where do spiders poop.
Me: I fell down the stairs with a quart of Jägermeister & I didn’t spill a drop.
Him: Well, how’d you do that?
Me: I kept my mouth shut..
*at a restaurant, eating burgers*
Me: “I don’t take condiments well.”
Friend: “Don’t you mean compliments?”
Me: *already covered head-to-toe in ketchup*
TEACHER: You just answered B to every test question
ME: I figured I’d get a few right
TEACHER: It wasn’t multiple choice
Not sure why iPhoto doesn’t have a “that’s my ex, please stop” button
HR: You know why you’re here?
Me: So we can be alone?
HR: Your new nickname is a problem.
Me: We all have them.
HR: Yes, but Sperminator?
“I like your tree’s earring.”
“That’s a tire swing.”
There is a dude in a fedora sitting next to you on the bus. Is he:
A. a ghost hunter
B. a virgin
C. a sword collector
D. all of the above
In my defense, I never said that I had “completed the project.” I said that I was “done working on it.” Two totally different things.
Eleven out of ten people are stupid.
[bar]
CUSTOMER: Barman
BARMAN: Sir?
C: This beer tastes like piss
[further down the bar]
BEAR GRYLLS: I’ll have what he’s having
A kickboxing class where you hit the bag with a baseball bat because I may have mild to moderate anger issues.
I may appear calm on the outside…
…but pigeons are attacking a french fry in my head.
So then I said, “Spit on it first, then see if it’ll fit.”
…And that’s why my wife no longer allows me to help our son with puzzles.
Trains delayed due to:
– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Sarcastic swan
me at 26: i am a hideous troll
me at 28: *looking at a picture of myself at 26* wow what beauty i once possessed but i wasted it because now i am a hideous troll
me at 30: *looking at a picture of myself at 28* guys, you’re not gonna believe this,