i’m not paying off my credit cards anymore if they wanted that money back they shouldn’t have gave it to me
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Nature abhors a vacuum
My dog: frfr
My husband picks fights with me like he doesn’t even value half of all his assets.
I’m creating an “OnlyDans,” where Dans get together to complain about being called “Dan the man, Daniel-san” and “Danny Boy” our whole lives.
NO…I don’t “make plans” because plans suggest INTENT…
…which is typically the distinction between second & first degree convictions.
Names that sound like Tarzan describing people:
William Hurt
Emily Blunt
Edgar Wright
John Goodman
Shelley Long
Timothy Treadwell
Emma Stone
Jack Black
Me: I hate people.
H: I challenge you to say something positive.
Me: I’m positive I hate people.
It’s almost that time of night where I drunk text my ex “I have to tell you something” then shut my phone off.
Just walked to the mailbox and the neighbor drove his riding mower into a ditch. I would’ve helped him out, but I wasn’t wearing pants.
With regard to that five second rule – do they have to be consecutive seconds?
How to keep the seat next to you empty.
I wish the guy who made the vacuum cord would chat with the guys that make phone chargers.
CDC: Clean commonly touched surfaces
Wife: I don’t meet these criteria
Got into loads of trouble at work for making “racist noises”. I just accepted the slap on the wrist because it was easier explaining that I was pretending to be the dad from Pingu.
[Scene: Cloud City. Two men fight each other with lightsabers]
Mario: You-a kill my father!
Wario: No. I am-a your father.
Mario: Mama-mia!
Me to a friend: *complains for ten straight minutes without taking in a breath* but I really can’t complain
“Here kid. I hope you like not getting laid until college because your bedroom is a giant dinosaur now.”
-extreme home makeover
Why would you ask me for directions?
You just saw me walk into a closed door.
The Lord alone–not science–will determine how many chickens can fit inside my motorcycle sidecar.
Before 40: stretch to prevent injury
After 40: injure self during stretching
When someone you don’t like is eating them, chips sound like 1000 asteroids smashing into the polar ice caps.
What do you call 100 sheep rolling down a hill
A lambslide
Me: In this day and age, for a man to be preaching intolerance is unacceptable.
Wife: Big deal. So the doctor said you have to stop eating cheese.
Currently binge watching old eclipses to get caught up for tomorrow.
Doctor in lab coat peers into microscope. “Good Lord!” he says. “His burrito levels are off the charts!” – from my autopsy
The good thing about being tall is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.
The bad thing is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.
Just picturing a bunch of roombas praying to a statue of a full sized vacuum cleaner
Hoping they’ll teach my kid to flush the toilet in college because there are no indications that he’ll figure it out before then
Your food is my food, but my food is also my food even though I won’t eat it
-toddlers
eavesdropping at a coffee shop to this girl talking for an HOUR STRAIGHT about how she can’t find a good man and she hasn’t let her friend say even a single WORD. like sweetheart the call is coming from inside the house