me: god I need a break from work
God: [creates pandemic]
me: not like that
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I still have all the energy to go to concerts and stay out until two am.
I do not, however, still have the energy for the next day.
professor x: whats your superpower
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to x-men]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
Looking at food photos online may help curb overeating: study
This looks like Wile E. Coyote trying to catch a hypochondriac Roadrunner:
Saw Dune last night. Man, that is one sandy movie. Up there with the two sandiest movies of all time, Lawrence of Arabia and Grease.
WIFE: If you embarrass me in public again, I’m leaving you
[Single Ladies comes on the jukebox]
ME: *rising to my feet* Well, we had a good run
My son said his friend’s parents took him to Disney World for getting good grades and suddenly I’m not angry about his C- in math anymore.
Everyone goes through a phase where they think they can speak Italian
Am not being sponsored to say this but if you’re tired of straining your pasta by pouring it on to your cupped hands and waiting until the boiling water seeps through, try “colanders”. I’ve just switched to colanders and they’ve made cooking pasta a much less painful experience👍
A snail can sleep for up to 3 years. I didn’t know it was even possible to be this jealous.
Naked and afraid, but it’s just me getting out of the shower, the door bell ringing and I can’t find a towel.
Trust my gut? The thing that gets overwhelmed by dairy
Kudos to Google for starting a company before you could Google, “How to start a company?”
Me: What were you and daddy just laughing about?
9: You
Me: What about me?
9: You won’t think its as funny as we do
Just pulled over for gas despite having 3/4 of a tank so I could gracefully get out of this Pokémon conversation.
If you are interested in me, now is the time to shoot your shot. My standards are incredibly low.
Ghost: they can’t kill us
Wife: that’s what u said last time
Him: Do you want to watch a little TV?
Me: No. I want you to buy me a big one.
[at zoo]
Kids, here we have reptiles. Reptiles are cold-blooded. This means they rely on external heat and often answer texts with just a K.
I try to live my life everyday as if it were my last. And who wants to do laundry on their last day? Not me…
[alien wobbles out of spacecraft]
“Take me to your leader”
[30 minutes later]
Me: So, this is my wife…
Amazon Prime would be a good title for a Wonder Woman movie.
Remember when you could strangle people with your phone? Those were the days..
Mom in the 90’s: We need to get you a light coat and warm pants for fall.
Me, showing up to school the next day:
Doctor: How long has this been bothering you?
Women: It started after work 2 days ago at 7pm.
Men: I think it started in the 90’s.
[Zombie Apocalypse]
Him: Pack your go-bag. No nonessentials.
Me: KMascara
Record player
Albums
Like 4 of his hoodies
Vodka
Charger
Katana
800 thread count sheets
Books
Cheese*dies*
Too bad Bill Nye knows science because if he didn’t he could be Bill Deny the Anti-Science Guy
Human: *jumps*
Kangaroo: *under breath* amateur
Human: *pole vaults*
Kangaroo: wait WTF?
NURSE: *bursts into break room* A man just came to the ER with a broken bone thru his skin!
DR DOG: *looks at other Drs* I’ll take this one
brain: BACON!
mouth: BACON!
stomach: BACON!
arteries: are… are the walls closing in? feeling a little claustrophobic here, guys