“That’s close enough…”
~Government worker
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Flight delayed due to engine issue heard maintenance guy say “turned it off and back on” oh great I feel very comfortable with that solution ty.
6am: makes coffee
6:20am: grabs cup
6:21am: plugs in coffee maker
i was baptized in a car wash
I just responded to a text message with: I can’t hear you, you’re breaking up
I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight, come on over.
I learned the name of my neighbor’s dog today.
In other news, I now have free wifi.
*at a party*
peter: jesus keeps double dipping his chips. should we say something?
paul: we all saw him walk on water the other day. he brought a guy back from the dead last week. he seems to be in command of some pretty scary powers but, sure, go tell him to stop double dipping.
Up until five minutes ago I thought Coachella was a Disney Princess who made expensive handbags.
well. like. what the hell does that leave me with then i mean cmon
be careful out there! #FiftyShadesOfGrey
Me: Just so you know, I’m DTF right now.
Wife: I don’t know what “DTF” means.
Me: Take a guess.
Wife: (pause) Definitely Too Fat?
writer: I’m so good at beginnings but never can finish strong
writers wife: *under her breath* ain’t that the truth
No One:
My Family: Please check the menu of this restaurant we’re going to eat at in six months and let us know what you want.
I went to the gym today.
Just kidding, I walked down the block and yelled at the neighbor kids for screaming while I’m trying to nap.
*working out*
this is so much worse than i thought
Executive Vice President of Coca-Cola: “we refresh the world.” So modest. We all know it’s more than that. It also removes rust from chrome bumpers.
[blind date]
HER: i love classic rock
ME: (trying to impress) i’ve been to Stonehenge
Her: why don’t we just hire a mechanic?
Me holding a fire extinguisher: no need. I know what I did wrong now.
Narrator: He did not know what he did wrong.
My wife always accuses me of having a favourite child. It’s not true, I love Matthew and Not-Matthew equally.
So my wife discovered I keep writing “please help me” in the memo line of all my personal checks and now I’m not allowed to have checks.
Okay everybody it’s Zero Hour for this website, post your favorite tweets and give them a little kiss goodbye.
COMMENCE ANNIHILATI… Sorry, wrong notes, that’s tomorrow’s speech. Here’s the right one: You have nothing to fear from Project Omega …
I don’t get it. EVERYTHING we do is for money. Why does society condemn it for sex? DAD: Um, okay. Maybe someone ELSE wants to say grace?
My favorite machine at the gym is the one you put change in and snacks come out
I’ve always had a soft spot in my heart for female T-Rex because the tampon insertion must’ve been really difficult.
Them: life is so unfair sometimes
Me, thinking of how I’ve never been befriended by a wild animal: yeah it really is
me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: that’s a mandolin
My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
Yesterday, I told my son about the Tooth Fairy. Today, I find 33 teeth under his pillow. Clearly they are not his. I am very, very afraid.