I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point
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I have never laughed so hard in my LIFE
HARRY POTTER: Alohamora
MORA: Aloha, Harry
me: [donating body to science]
science: [donates my body to goodwill]
Sleepless in Seattle starring Tom Honks and Meg Ryan (1993)
Once, I got pulled over because a cop thought my car was on fire but really it was just my hair flying out the sunroof.
[commercial]
Narrator: These are real people and not actors-Actor watching the commercial: *throws lamp at TV* WE’RE PEOPLE TOO!
The thing they don’t explain in 27 Dresses is how Kathryn Heigl affords to be a bridesmaid in 27 weddings on a personal assistant’s salary. Did that company have unlimited PTO??
Someone once asked me if I was drunk.
I said yes.
That was the shortest job interview I’ve ever had.
Sorry I asked if today was laundry day. I was just trying to find a way to understand your outfit.
Murder of crows on trial according to the probable caws statement.
*inventing the mirror*
“People don’t have enough to worry about.”
wife: [hangs up the phone with me] sorry, my husband’s trying to say he found a genie
her coworker: wow there’s a 5th ninja turtle now
wife: oh no
ME: *admires her calves* ooohh nice
HER: do you mind?!
ME: sorry, sorry *admires her piglets instead*
A techno song lasted longer
than my first marriage
Brilliant!
When speaking to children I always end every sentence with “…or else you’ll die. ” – I find this to be an excellent motivational tool.
Friend: Hi, How have you been?
Me: Why? What have you heard?
When people say: “he’s a nice person once u get to know him”, they really mean: “he’s a dickhead, but you’ll get used to it!”
if aliens attack we will probably be fine unless they realize how easily we are influenced by traffic cones
I’ve watched this 17,467 times
Someone saw me today. It was exciting and very scary. I am a bear.
Store clerk: May I help you?
Me: I hope so. Sweetie go get your math homework, this nice woman is going to help us.
[job interview for psychic]
INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
ME: Well played.
MOST TIMES: i know all of the lyrics to this song and could sing it in my sleep
DURING KARAOKE: i don’t remember a single word, may have even forgotten about the very concept of music
You gotta admit Wile E. Coyote going through the entire process of making a movie just for it be scrapped as a tax write off is incredibly on brand for him.
Waiter: Fresh pepper, sir?
Me: Yes, please.
Pepper: Honey, I’m as single as a dollar and I’m not lookin’ for change.
out of the blue my 10 yr old asked me if i was running for president and i said no and then he put his arm around me and said it was time for a woman to be president and it should be me and we hugged and hugged and then he asked for a video game he wanted
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: With adjectives.
Me, off my meds, pitching a cartoon movie: OK, so, you know how most toasters are cowards?
[Writing Batman theme]
WRITER: So it starts by saying “Batman.”
PRODUCER: Well that makes sense, just once?
WRITER: 23 times.
PRODUCER:
WRITER: Then you just make noise for awhile.
PRODUCER:
WRITER
PRODUCER:
WRITER: Then you say Batman again.