Community dinner theater is great because sometimes you’re hungry but you also want to see bad acting.
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I was playing doctor with my kid and she prescribed me a potato
She asked me to buy Tampons so I bought Kotex, because that one time I wanted ice cream and she bought frozen yogurt.
If I say “last Star Wars” and u say “Actually you mean 3rd Star Wars! It’s a prequel!” I’m going to hit u with a fish tank.
My 11 year old dumped his girlfriend because she was too “sassy.”
So I’m guessing my days are numbered.
The Kardashians is what happens when you feed a gremlin after midnight.
I don’t know who needs to see this but don’t ever answer your phone on your way home from work. They want you to stop at the store.
Socks try to be monogamous but most end up either single or having multiple different partners.
Why did the thumbs-up become the universal symbol for approval? “hey let me show u my weirdest finger because i’m down with what ur saying”
I fear that one day I’ll click on “Forgot password?” and it will say “We’re not telling you. This is going to be a learning experience.”
Him, handing me a beer: One for the road?
Me: Sure.
Me, pouring it on the street: This seems wasteful.
My 5-year-old was pretend playing and she said to herself, “I’m super old, I’m 36” And I sent her to her room because the disrespect.
HULK WANT LOAN
Bank: We can’t loan to people like you.
GREEN PEOPLE??
*flips table into moon*Bank: People owing 2.6B in property damage.
10YO: [on her ipad] beat my high score!
ME: y’know they’re just numbers on a screen right? they don’t mean anything
[checks follower count]
The bad news is your life flashes before your eyes a lot once your teenagers start driving. The good news is you can have that margarita at lunch.
I picked up some socks off the floor and my 4yo said, “I was just going to do that.” Now I’m waiting for him to start asking why there are so many lights on in this house
Chasing a chicken around the yard for 20 minutes is my Thursday morning or as my dog refers to it,”The greatest morning in the history of the earth.”
got bored and went to Home Depot wearing an orange apron to see how good i am at making up answers to peoples home repair questions
Me: *talking to teen daughter*
Teen: I can’t hear you.
Me: *unplugs WiFi*
Teen: I HEARD THAT!
respond to every april fools joke by staring the person directly in the eye and saying “yes, that truly was a fool’s joke”
All I’m saying is there’s no coincidence that Superheroes come in all forms and so does cheese.
Army recruiter: “Do you have what it takes to destroy the enemies of our nation?”
Me: *Using recruiter’s mug to peacefully relocate a spider
“Oh absolutely, I’m a killing machine.”
6: What’s a hangover?
Me: The interest repayment on fun.
If my TV’s so smart then why doesn’t it slap me when I turn on the news?
If cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want.
been a while since romaine lettuce has tried to kill us.
Me: Okay, I may have hidden all the turkey bacon in the grocery store to save humanity from this awfulness, so sue me!
Judge: That is literally what is happening here.
Anti-Vaxxer: Hey, did you hear the one about the kid with measles?
Vaccinated person: I don’t get it.
Deliveroo driver has gone rogue this morning
I should probably wait a few days to drive my new F35 to work, huh
The doorbell rang this morning, and it took a few seconds to realize what that sound was.