“It’s your father; he’s been hitting the sauce pretty hard.”
*My father stumbles in with hollandaise in a highball glass* wassssssup!
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Pretty excited about making a huge Thanksgiving feast so my daughter can eat a roll.
Google: and you want to represent us?
Me: yes, I am very qualified
Google: our file says you searched “how to pretend to be a lawyer” from the waiting room
Me: overruled
GOOD COP: Three robberies in the same neighborhood …do you know what I’m thinking?
PSYCHIC COP: Yes
GOOD COP: Oh right
How to kiss:
1-open your mouth
2-wider
3-wider
4-unhinge jaw
5-summon the Dark Overlord
To avoid further heartbreaks from loving someone who doesn’t love me back I have decided to focus on things I have a better shot with…like my love of chicken wings.
Chicken wings: Um, I have a boyfriend
imagine marrying someone and then finding out they don’t want to name the dog after an italian cuisine and you have to take the children and Tiramisu and leave in the middle of the night
[bank robbery]
OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN!
[dave starts doing the electric slide]
Damn it Dave, not you, go grab the money
Pilot: Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking…
Me: *sitting upright in bed* How the hell did you get in here?
Laxatives help you live up to your full pooptential.
The donkey kong soundtrack stays on during sex
Raccoon: So lemme get this straight: I’m adorable?
God: Yes
Raccoon: Comical?
God: *chuckles* Yes
Raccoon: Would make a great pet?
God: Oh my yes
Raccoon: Wow, I must be man’s best friend!
God: *shakes head* They call you a trash panda
I looked at bright side once and it gave me the finger.
As long as you’re good at blending in, you can be part of Brad and Angelina’s family too.
I can’t find my scrabble set and I’m honestly lost for words.
Teachers: “There are no stupid questions”
Parents of toddlers: “There are mostly stupid questions”
HER: need I remind you that it’s your tur-
ME: [sipping wine from a large Pyrex measuring cup] it’s my turn to do the dishes, yes
I’m not lazy, I’m an inactivist.
I entered into a conversation so circular, my blood separated.
When you swallow a spider in your sleep, eat some dead flies the morning after to ensure the spider gives you a positive Trip Advisor rating
MOM: turn the volume down on your headphones or you’ll go deaf!
ME: that is sound advice
Are you turned on?
Switch I might be!
Maybe just don’t throw stones in any kind of house.
People say I look amazing at my age. I just follow a simple routine of adding 10 years when I tell them how old I am.
If you named your kid Hunter because you like to hunt, then I hate you. Who names a kid after an activity?.
*Storms off w/ his son, Kegger
When you go to therapy they should get to ask three people in your life what your problem is before you start.
Grown men who drink hot chocolate in coffee shops.
Who hurt you?
Vegan pizza…. is basically
just the box.
The wife wants me to be a doctor in our sex role playing. So I guess I’ll make her wait an hour, then send her to a specialist
Fun Prank: put a live turtle and a tiny pair of nunchucks in your toilet before your guests arrive