getting home from the airport opening my bag to find nothing but 99 packs of frozen hotdogs. one missing
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Son: How do you always know when we lie? It’s like you’re a psychic or a wizard or something.
Me: The word you’re looking for is “mother.”
“There can only be one!” -Arab eyebrows
I haven’t tweeted about murder for a while and that’s exactly how a real killer would put you at ease.
Bandanas are back in style, it only took a worldwide pandemic.
A large group of other people’s children is called a “nope”
I always leave my front door unlocked on my birthday just in case someone is planning to kidnap me in the morning and take me to breakfast 🙂 so far I’ve had zero birthday breakfasts 🙂 and two Blu-ray players robbed 🙂
Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
*paints car camouflage*
*stops making payments*
anyway today a woman tried to throw change on the counter after exclaiming to me “i don’t know how to count.” i said “no problem” and when i reached to do it for her, all i saw was rocks. i said “oh. these are rocks.” she said “oh. wrong pocket”
Him: You hang up first.
Me: *click
Me: This dating app doesn’t send me any good matches.
Friend: That’s an Etch-A-Sketch.
“Mommy, mommy, mommy, mom, mom, mommy, mom, mommy!”
-Mormon kids
When I go on a successful first date I always ask to go back to her place not cuz I wanna have sex but to see if she buried the guy before me in her yard
Me: You should cut your toenails.
Wife: Huh?
M: You’re scratching my leg.
W: I’m WAY on the other side of the bed!
M: That’s kinda my point.
Day 8 at home and my dog is looking at me like, “See? This is why I chew the furniture.”
I like to go on job interviews wearing an eye patch and switch eyes when the interviewer looks down.
I don’t ask a lot from an elevator, but if you can’t get the buttons right, what else did you screw up?
If you ever get hit by a car, try to spin like a ballerina. You won’t get another chance like this.
All I ask is to be buried with a walkie talkie, just in case.
My husband got some virtual reality goggles for christmas and so far I like them because they make him very vulnerable to attack.
I’m sorry that I’m canceling plans.
I made them last week when I assumed that, by now, I’d be a different person.
This buffalo chicken salad would be great if it weren’t for all this salad
Overpopulation? Ban coffee. Humans will murder the shit out of each other.
only a short 14,256 hours left on this tuesday
my mom gave me a whistle in case you guys start giving me advice
its embarrassing that 90% of my Google history is just words I wasnt sure how to spell, and yes I googled embarrassing.
Forever grateful that thought bubbles aren’t a real thing
AMAZON: Your 11 year old niece has a birthday coming up and she loves horses
ALSO AMAZON: do you wanna buy like a sword or a manhole cover or something
“So hell isn’t too bad,” I say from the podium. “I just keep teaching?”
“Actually…” said a demon
“Actually…” said another
“ACTUALLY…”
My calendar says I have 18 meetings left this week. Time to go lick Maria in accounting; she’s coming down with flu.