Me: [walking into Maternity Ward with my teenagers]: WHAT IS YOUR RETURN POLICY
You Might Also Like
Its a hippotatomus
Best seat on the street 😍
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “bananas”
GWEN STEFANI: oh hell yes
Look 2020, I just think I should start seeing other years
periods should last only 15 mins. like thanks for letting me know im not pregnant, now you can leave the doors that way.
[firemen meeting]
if we had a pole instead of stairs, we could get to the trucks much quicker
*from back*
“why dont we just sit downstairs?”
*coworker walks into bathroom, triggering the motion sensor that turns the lights on*
ME: [from one of the stalls] Welcome.
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
When a woman asks you to smell something, it usually smells good.
Men on the other hand…
hedgehog getting an x-ray looks like a whoopee cushion is being interrogated
Me: *hands her a pitri dish I’ve cultivated over several months*
Her: what’s this?
Me: You said you wanted multiple organisms
4yo: Can I have powder on my pizza?
Me: You mean parmesan cheese?
4: I don’t like cheese. I want powder
Me: *Gives parmesan cheese
4: *Happy
Me: I’m super nervous about this.
Bungee Jump Operator: Don’t overthink it. Just do it.
Me: ok
*I punch him in the face and run like hell*
isaac newtown got hit in the head & invented calculus. i broke my nose last night when I was drunk & invented a louder version of crying.
1000s flocked to NJ to see the Virgin Mary in a tree trunk. But, don’t judge them, friends. When was the last time you saw a virgin in NJ?
I can cook up any meal but I can’t peel boiled eggs without them looking like a toddler took bites out of them.
The cat seems really pissed off. He must have only had 22 hours sleep.
*visits random websites just for the cookies*
People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
WIFE: You can’t tell kids they’re grounded anymore
ME: Why not?
W: They weren’t our kids
M: You did see how badly they packed our groceries?
If she’s playing Wheel of Fortune, and has “_ONAL_ _UCK” left to win $8500, then she wants the D
ME: *sits*
BARBER: You’re completely bald.
ME: Just snip the scissors around my ears and gently touch my head for 10 mins, please.
My sister’s fiance is visiting from England on Friday, i thought I’d surprise him so I’ve been driving on the wrong side of the road
*at the pet shop*
Me: Can I buy a goldfish?
Seller: Do you want an aquarium?
Me: I don’t care what star sign it is.
Wife: he has no sense of adventure. he even refuses to ride a roller coaster
Therapist: go on
Me: oh so you’re taking her side now
How many pans of brownies eaten gets me the Girl Scout badge for gluttony?
Having surgery on my intestine next week, so I have 5 days to learn how to use a semicolon
When do you introduce yourself to your new neighbors? Is it after 5 years? Tell me it’s after you hit their mailbox with your car.