Me: mic is short for microphone
My kid: so my uncle’s name is Microphone?!
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Straight guys on twitter, If you haven’t been hit on by a gay guy on here take a long look at yourself & figure out what’s wrong with you.
I’m pleased to announce that I will continue using the word Kafkaesque to describe things, and I am proud of my commitment to never learn what it means.
….and you will know me by the trail of roaches l leave behind.
Confused owl: What?!
“Daddy, I want to watch Dora.” Sweetie this is Dora. It’s the one where she plays an NBA basketball game against the Brooklyn Nets
Everyone keeps returning to the same hypothetical. If loving you is wrong…
Bullshit.
What if loving you is gross? That’s the question.
Guy who invented the clock: there will be 12 numbers on it
Friend: so the day will be divided into 12 segments?
Inventor: no, 24
Friend: so will the day start at 1
Inventor: the day will start at the 12, which is at night
Friend:
Inventor: the 6 means 30
Kids be like “I owe you $5, would you like it all in quarters?”
when you’re broke you really start pondering. like if i didn’t buy that taco in 2018 i would have that $6 rn
priest: [hangs up the phone after talking to his boss for over an hour]”okay, that took a lot of convincing but i managed to talk him round.. yes, you can marry a penguin”
me: “omg he’ll be so pleased”
priest: “wait, did you just say he?”
me: “yes”
priest: [picks up phone again]
“Are you already hot as shit? Then you’ll look hot as shit in our glasses” – Every glasses ad
first dinner with other vaccinated friends and a man spent the whole time arguing with me about cryptocurrency. release the rest of the bats
Shoutout to the toothpaste stain on my shirt for making it appear that I had a WAY better time this morning than I actually did.
Keep your friends close and that one chick with a great beachfront condo closer.
lost boys: how’d the prank on captain hook go?
peter pan: oh you guys are gonna love this HAHA I cut off his hand LOL and i FED IT TO THE CROCODILE 🙂
lost boys:
peter pan: so funny
lost boys: you’re a sociopath
“My therapist told me to create a calming atmosphere,” I tell the manager, after lighting every candle in the store.
dog: why can’t I see colors?
me: you’re visually impaired.
dog: what’s impai?
[at the playground]
“Welcome to Swingers Club. Sorry if you thought this was about spouse-swapping. Now who wants to give me a push?”
imagine earning a science degree then having to be a meteorologist who announces the prophecy of a groundhog
Guy about to write “12 days of christmas:” help i need last minute gifts!
bird keeper: ok hear me out.
I need all your thoughts and prayers, I’m fine, but my niece is staying with us and I forgot how many questions a 9 year old asks
My teen son told me that he plans on talking like Chewbacca if a teacher calls on him today, so I guess I better start practicing my Wookiee for that parent teacher phone call later today.
Me: I lost 35 pounds today.
Wife: [sigh] Can you stop saying that every time you lose our oldest child?
*someone hands me a baby*
Oh… no thank you
*places baby on the ground*
public defender: if we get the wooden hammer away from the judge we win
Early in any job interview be sure to use the phrase “I always give 110%”, so you can quickly gauge their tolerance for working with idiots.
I keep pepper spray in my purse just in case any peppers try to attack me.
Me: I have a problem.
Her: We’re married. Whatever it is, it’s our problem now.
Me: Ok. We had an affair with the neighbour’s daughter.