Soccer has such a high risk of injury. The other day, at my son’s game, I crushed my finger folding up a camp chair.
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Why does laundry happen to good people?
Dad: listen to me son: don’t ever let anyone tell you what to do
Son: okay
Dad: *slams fist* WHAT DID I JUST SAY
When you open your heart to someone, there is blood. Lots and lots of blood. And then you die. So don’t open your heart.
Me, in DM rooms…
It’s so windy, my dog keeps stopping, looking back at me and dropping that “you gonna fix this shit?” look.
astronaut: houston come in
houston: this had better be important
astronaut: it’s urgent
houston: fine what
astronaut: [drinking soda out of the air] rootbeer float
Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.
Me: Doctor, I’d like to close my own wound.
Dr: Suture self
I just have to continue with these drinking jokes. I think they’re hilarious.😂
DOCTOR: congratulations, it’s a boy! *holds up baby tricycle*
BICYCLE DAD: what the hell?
BICYCLE MOM: *crying*
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘monosyllabic’
“Can you describe it in a sentence?”
Yes
If there’s one thing children have taught me it’s how to count down from 5 while pretending there’s a huge consequence if I ever reach zero.
I was buying ice cream, Pop Tarts and mayonnaise. She had organic vegetables & Kombucha.
The check stand divider was mostly symbolic.
I thought it would be so cool to have twins before I actually had kids
Apparently, my superpower is being invisible to bartenders.
Friend: How long does it take to get there?
Me: About 5 songs.
I have a confession…
I don’t like Oreos.
And it feels so great getting that off my chest!
*blocked by all of Twitter*
Me: *walks into room*
My cat, hanging by two paws, swinging from the lampshade: Hi.
Me: *walks back out of room*
I read that Miley Cyrus will be starring in a remake of Silence of the Lambs.
She’ll be playing Hannibal Montannibal.
Spouse ignoring your texts? Drop a nude and then immediately reply with, sorry wrong person. Works like a charm.
Brain: That guy is annoyed at you. You should feel terrible about it.
Me: But I hate that guy. I shouldn’t care what he thinks of me.
Brain: Yeah, but you do.
#ICertainlyCouldntLiveWithout apparently an uneven fight…🤷♀️
no matter how many times I drown my laundry, it keeps coming back.
My kid yelled she couldn’t wait to be an adult so I handed her the bills, threw the laundry on her bed, replaced her pizza with cauliflower, redirected my student loan calls to her phone and demanded she get me a snack every time she tried to go to the restroom.
when your wife asks about the texts from Marie
me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: that’s a mandolin
Cows are vegetarians too, but you won’t hear them bragging about it on Twitter.
Sorry I used your baby’s bald head as a lipstick blotter.
If you can’t handle me at my worst just imagine how I feel.
She blinded me with science. Fine, it was mace, but she sprayed it very scientifically.