me: why aren’t you eating your breakfast?
3: it smells hot
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him: I’m gonna kill you
me: oh no
him: with kindness
me: awww
him: kindness is my pet wolf
me: oh no again
me: [buying $2 ice cream with $100 bill] is this enough?
cnn: [mashing calculator] oh gosh it’s gonna be close
i will never tire of apocalypse shopping because i’m a virgo and also when the end comes i want to rub my preparation in everyone else’s faces
reminder that one halloween i got an “unknown activity” alert on my security camera and it was me in a shrek costume
Be a deer and get shot in the woods for me?
Age 8 – “I can achieve anything”
18 – “should I buy a lobster farm?”
28 – “if you are watching this then I have been killed by lobsters”
(Flintstones theme song)
ninjas
turtle ninjas
they’re a teenage mutant family
with their
master splinter
they’re about to save new york city
My villain power is instantly answering insults with vicious burns like:
“I’m going to throw something at you that will stick in your face forever”
“Make like Job and suffer endlessly” &
“Nice shoes. Did you make ’em?”
Tweriod: That time of the month when all my tweets are moody, retain water and are about chocolate and cheesecake
I keep pepper spray in my purse just in case any peppers try to attack me.
Me: if you tell me how many cookies are in this jar, you can have them all.
She: you ate them all didn’t you?
Me: and we have a winner.
*people on Wheel of Fortune
“I enjoy skiing & doing crosswords”It’s never
“I like hamburgers & threesomes”
Forget Botox… if you really want to look younger, get braces.
I want to see a combination celebrity chef and magician. Like when they put it in the oven it was baked risotto but when they take it out of the oven it’s corn dogs.
Me teaching Wilderness Survival Class:
“OK EVERYBODY WATCH CAREFULLY AS I DRIVE *AWAY* FROM THE WILDERNESS.”
27 years ago I snot-bubble cried during Mufasa’s death scene and I am now while watching it with my 8 year old AND THAT CYBORG DIDN’T SHED ONE DAMN TEAR!!!
I have 8 pens in my bag, cause you never know when an octopus will mosey along and need to sign things.
Just finished a series of paintings of mass murderers. A friend wants to put them on display but I think hanging’s too good for them.
Took a good look at my finances.
I won’t make that mistake again.
Siri, assemble a list of people who are dead to me.
[spills whole tub of salsa on cat]
Oh dang
[grabs chip]
Hold still
[cat starts running away]
I SAID HOLD STILL
“EVERYONE IS ENGAGED BUT YOU” – facebook
Stop naming your dogs Bella.
We are full.
Him: My tummy feels crummy.
Me: Too much rummy, dummy.
It’s cute when I put everything back where it belongs, and my family thinks I rearranged the house.
Me: Accept your flaws. You’ll feel better. It worked for me.
Her: You accepted your flaws?
Me: No. I accepted your flaws.
Working front desk at Motel 6 wasn’t paying the bills so I started dealing meth to the housekeepers. It was an Inn side job.
[Surprise party for girlfriend]
Me: *Leading her in blindfolded*
GF: Shouldn’t I be wearing that?
Dragons don’t breathe fire they breathe air like us they breathe air they just produce fire which isn’t the same as breathing fire no stop I’m not done stop taking the microphone I’m the best man you have to let me finish my
The egg whites carton in my fridge looked like the creamer carton and now I have omelette coffee.