Someone should throw a huge bag of candy into a Tornado. People will be all like “Dude remember that day it rained Skittles?”
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I serve garlic bread at every meal, but these blood-sucking vampires still haven’t moved out.
No, autocorrect, I’m not “pooping” popcorn. Not now anyway. Later, yes, but I don’t plan to text about it.
I hate when someone is on the machine right next to me at the gym and I feel pressured to share these cheese fries.
Instead of calling him a paleontologist, I used to call Ross from Friends a fossil fool lol I was such a hoot in the 90s.
There is no doubt in my mind, I would trade my ovaries for another liver.
Nomnomnomnom
Who called it baking and not making love
Egg nog was invented in Germany back in 1816 when Baron Von Heldebrandt reportedly said “Hey guys, let’s get this custard drunk!”
I’m honestly counting down the days until my kids are old enough to watch Jaws, and I can tell them, “They filmed this movie where we vacation every summer. It’s a documentary.”
“I really can’t stay“
Baby, it’s cold outside
“My Uber’s on its way”
Ok, that’s cool, actually… I thought I was going to have to give you a ride
I love halloween time 🎃👻🐱:
– candy 🍬🍭🍫
– parties🍕🎉🍻
– costumes👯👺👽
– sacrifices to the dark lord 👉🐓👹
– scary movies🎬📽️💀😲
If you are hospitalized for social anxiety you don’t go to the psych ward. You go to the awk ward.
Guinness Book of World Records should be in the Guinness Book of World Records as being the book with the most world records.
-hey lucifer. did it hurt
-did what hurt
-when you fell from heaven
-for the last time gabriel i am not going out with you
[pokes your baby with a stick]
what’s it do?
Nobody works harder than a drunk person trying to carefully whisper a secret.
me: [hiring a hitman] now how can we make my songs better
I was gonna buy a phone charger at the airport but I didn’t have $7000.
Leaving wrapping paper and a bow on my living room floor for my Roomba’s birthday
Jan 1st: New decade going fairly well, all things considered.
Jan 2nd: Australia appears to be on fire.
Jan 3rd: World War III announced.
If I saw 99 red balloons go by I’d probably just round it up to a hundred when I was telling people about it.
Why are people scared of flying?! The Earth is a giant spaceship with no pilots. That’s way scarier.
Thanks McDonald’s for adding two order lanes that require everyone to cooperate and merge so I can be driven to a blinding rage and lose faith in humanity all before I get my fries
Stopped by my parents house with the dog. We both ran upstairs and tripped at the exact same time as we’ve obviously forgotten how stairs work.
Thanks for the reply to my tweet from 2013, champ. I’ll be sure to take your advice.
why do i pat the top of my sandwich like great job now you must die.
My husband was just looking at me like I’m some kind of super hero and all I said was, “yes, we do have onion for the burgers.”.
A Norwegian version of the idiom “like a fish out of water” translates to “like a Dane on skis.” And an old Norwegian phrase for someone sneaking out of a party without saying bye is “making a Swede of oneself.” Conversely, a Finnish euphemism for vomiting is “speaking Norwegian”
It’s been about 3 years since my last drink and I’m still hungover.