Dr: how’s your diet?
Me: I’ve been eating a lot of good fats like you said
Dr: ice cream isn’t good fats
Me: are you kidding me ice cream is amazing
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never staying in an air bnb again. this couple from colorado is taking me to small claims court because i accidentally opened a portal to hell in their basement
If you’re at a concert and the singer holds the mic out and makes you sing the lyrics you should get some of your money back.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a guy, on the side of the highway reciting the alphabet backwards and trying to walk a straight line.
[Swiss bank]
ME: I’d like to take out a loan
CASHIER: Okay, what kind?
ME: A tober
CASHIER: what?
ME: A toberloan
CASHIER: Are you trying to say Toblerone?
ME: …toberloan
The monocle was popular in the 1800’s because ears hadn’t been invented yet.
Be woman enough to admit when you’re wrong. And then make everyone pay.
Me, getting murdered: Those had better not be my fabric scissors, buddy.
Hate freeloaders who join in the New Year’s Eve countdown for the last 10 seconds. I’ve been doing this all year. Where were you back in May
I don’t like to brag about going to expensive places, but I just went to the gas station.
As a man I’ll never know the what the pain of child birth feels like. But I’m guessing the pain of stubbing your toes has to be really close.
Cashier: That’ll be 15 clams.
Me: *opening cooler full of shellfish* Do you have change for a lobster?
Science Deniers will follow you to the ends of the earth.
I have one of those metal briefcases handcuffed to my wrist and inside…my grandmother’s meatloaf recipe.
I once dated a woman that said I used to much garlic and I got rid of that vampire right quick
I bought a toilet seat from Amazon and now they keep sending me emails asking if I’m interested in buying a toilet seat like I’ve got like 20 toilets in the mansion I don’t live in.
[speed dating session]
Me: I have a good job with benefits. I love movies and hiking. And I’m a cat person.
Her: I love that! *writes her number on a napkin and slides it across to me*
Me: *slowly pushes the napkin off the table*
I put up Diwali lights, and can’t wait to flex on other dads by telling them I’m all set for Christmas
So it’s okay for the cat to run away and hide under the bed when visitors turn up.
But when I do it, I’m “antisocial”.
I call bullshit.
I’m just marveling at how the hand towel in my son’s bathroom can be so dirty and yet his doorknob is so wet
Every time “Cops” comes on I’m like “PLEASE don’t show my episode.”
Me (while pouring you tea from a kettle marked ‘POISON’): I apologise. My ‘NOT POISON’ kettle is dirty at the moment.
People ask what personal grooming products I use. I just get whatever is on offer in the supermarket, so this week cat food & grapes.
So you’ve had white presidents, a black president and now an orange one. I’m crossing my fingers for the Hulk next time around.
Where do I see myself in 5 years? May 2019. Next question.
me: just tell me I don’t die in an Arby’s bathroom stall
Death: [sadly looking up from his book] look, what matters is how you lived
if your newborn baby has a full head of hair that means it is a business baby and is ready to enter the world of finance
Sure a sense of humor is important but marry you somebody who knows plumbing bc that’s forever.
In dog beers I’ve only had 2.
If Optimus Prime led a Transformers symphony, would he be a semi conductor?
*watching my hamster gnaw on his tiny broadsword*
you are a disgrace to your lineage and bring great shame upon this house