You are all invited to my murder shed, I mean my shed
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date: I come from a broken home
bob the builder: *bites lip* how broken
me: I always sleep naked
flight attendant: no
wicked witch: i’ll get you, my pretty! and your little dog, too!
me: omg u think im pretty?
It is the year 2047. After making a movie based on every single one of its theme park rides, Disney is forced to make a movie about the line for the Disney World bathroom.
Peter Pan seems like a fun read until it’s an hour past bedtime and you’re trying to convince your kid that she always has to tell you before she leaves the house, even if it’s through the window in the middle of the night with a magical flying man
bf took me to get undies n he wanted to embarrass me so he said real loud: “i can’t wait to rip these off with my teeth” n i replied with: “seriously u need to stop, ur my brother”
i won
[Dog doing something I don’t want him to do]
Me: No
Dog: “Dear Sir or Madam: Thank you for your thoughts on the matter. We shall take them under advisement.”
AC changed midlife crisis to kidlife crisis & now 5 is leaving me for a younger dad that drives a sports car
Twitter is the new flypaper.
ok this is my dumbest yet
Manipulate the interview process by arriving with baked goods.
washing hands before coronavirus:
– turn on water
– quickly rinse fingertips
– look at soap
– turn off waterwashing hands after coronavirus:
– turn on water
– climb in sink
– cover entire body in soap
– take a few swigs of soap
– mind meld with soap
– you and soap are now one
I just clipped my little toe on patio furniture. Prayers needed for my husband who rearranged everything without telling me.
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
*pronounces “naked” like “baked”
my moms yelling at me bc idk her email password
Me: I heard you two are expecting, so I bought you a Parenting book.
Friend: Umm, this is a Cocktail Recipe book.
Me: You’re welcome.
Nothing but love for the older woman who saw her husband staring at two people screaming at each other in the grocery store parking lot, said “mind your business, Morty,” before looking at me, thirty feet away, and saying, “you too.”
[escorted out of google hq with armful of snakes at 9:02am on my 1st day] WELL MAYBE U SHOULDA CLARIFIED WAT U MEANT BY “PYTHON PROGRAMMER”
Inventor of balloons: You know what this party needs? Rubber balls filled with my breath
[at restaurant]
Me: What’s under all that garnish?
Her: Nothing, it’s a salad.
trust my gut? the thing that can’t even handle milk?
I WILL NEVER STOP BEING A QUITTER!
I believe in you. But I also believe in aliens, big foot, and werewolves so don’t get too excited.
[crime scene]
ROOKIE COP: but why would a chicken kill himself?
DETECTIVE: *lowers shades* to get to the other side
*rookie cop vomits*
If not for the cowardly actions of John Wilkes Booth, Abraham Lincoln would have turned 207 today.
Spring of Deception
what idiot called them crabs instead of sidewalks
if y’all catch me barking while my dog is sleeping, mind your business i’m teaching her a lesson
*rolls over to your desk on chair*
So what was in that browser you just quickly minimised?