*pops the hood*
“Looks like the timing nut is gone on yer muffler belt”
.. Umm r u sure you work here?
*lifts eye brow, moustache falls off*
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Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?
Me: [selling like-new truck on Facebook Marketplace for $27k]
Buyer message: $50
Did my noble deed today and got a few boxes of Girl Scout cookies. It wasn’t for me, it was for the organization of course.
I got kicked out of another Super Bowl party for changing the channel to Forensic Files
I told you these spanx were too tight.
-my tombstone
It’s not a dad bod, it’s a father figure.
You guys realize St. Valentine was beheaded, right?
[my coffin lowering into the grave]
wait guys shouldn’t I be dead
[coffin starts lowering faster]
I’m so annoyed. I just spent 45 minutes filing my taxes and I only found out at the end it was a Buzzfeed quiz. I was like why does the IRS want to know what breakfast I think is “the most slay?” Anyway I’m a Ravenclaw.
I can usually tell how productive I’ve been at work, by the battery life of my phone.
Give a man a fish he eats for a day then explains fishing to you even though you’re the one who gave him the fish
*shows up to marathon with perfect hair* Yeah I’ve been conditioning a lot for this race
Me: If you love something you have to let it go.
Wife: Get your own bag of shredded cheese
Him: “So what’s your bedroom number?”
Me: “7”
Him: “oh really?”
Me: “yeah, how many pillows do YOU sleep with?”
writers love saying things like “he had a toothy grin” what is a toothy grin. just making shit up. “he walked feetily into the kitchen” that’s how you sound
Family zooms are just my kids trying to kill each other in a really small space while somewhere off screen my mum tells us about a friend we’ve never met who has a disease we’ve never heard of
You know, you don’t realise what you’ve got until you don’t have it. I just ran out of toilet paper …
Don’t you dare stand in my way, that’s my job.
*cop approaches me*
“have u seen this girl?”
*holds up photo*
“yeah I’ve seen her, NAKED”
*hi-5*
“haha but seriously shes in my trunk”
Make your own bacon by tricking 30-50 feral hogs into running headlong through a harp.
The worst time to need sneeze is when you’re driving. The worst time to need to pee it when you’re driving and need to sneeze.
when I was 9 I thought anyone who preferred strawberry ice cream was weird and sad and now I love strawberry ice cream so I was right
Movies Lesson #5: very few people die while trying to get from one hotel room to another using the ledge outside, so give it a shot.
Did you really get a crocodile tattooed around your belly button?
-IT’S AN ALLIGATOR KAREN. GOD YOU’RE SUCH AN IDIOT.
“Fed-Ex is coming to kill us all!” ~my dog
I still see some of my ex-girlfriends. Well, not so much see, more like…watch.
Them: you’re broke, you have to move apartments, you work a shitty job, and you’re balding.
Me: Thats cool. Everything will work out in the end.
Them: your child is skipping a nap today.
Me: MY LIFE IS RUINED!
To catch a grandpa, you must THINK like a grandpa *eats butterscotch candy, clicks on obvious spam email*
I have 3 full closets of nothing to wear.
Thanks to my wife for putting back the empty box of Froot Loops back in the pantry. Now I can have a big bowl of disappointment for breakfast.