Me: *quits life and moves into a pillow fort*
Them: You need to live in the present.
Me: *covers fort in wrapping paper*
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Me on FB: All kids home for summer break! My heart is full!
My reality: STOP ARGUING! YOU NEED TO GET A JOB! DO YOUR OWN LAUNDRY! WHO TOOK MY PHONE CHARGER?
CW: Have you had 5 guys?
Me: *blank stare* That’s kinda personal don’t ya think?
And that’s when I found out it’s the name of a burger joint
god: *creates human* whatcha think?
angel: nice, will it hurt itself in the dark?
god: *adds shins* now it will
I’m just over here waiting for my 1st Richard pic.
Remember , for some unknown reason Santa doesn’t make batteries .
The tampon aisle is a terrible place to pick up chicks.
My 12yo daughter has a male friend in her room right now and I just heard her say the word “romance” through the door, so if you need me I’ll be knocking on their door with panic-snacks every 10 minutes and weeping salty dad-tears the rest of the time
[elevator doors r closing, i see a woman running to get on. i push the close door button because i gotta be on time for an interview. i get there exactly at 2 and sit down. a few min later the interviewer walks in. it’s the woman from the elevator]
her: *glares*
me: you’re late
Weatherman discovering his monitor has a touch screen
Getting your shit together just sounds unsanitary
I’ve seen the bass pro shop guy naked more than I have myself.
Doctor: So, what are you using for birth control?
Me: Usually black socks with sandals. Sometimes tighty whiteys…
in high school our gym teacher asked us who we thought the smartest teacher in the school was. we guessed the AP chem teacher, the precalc teacher, the AP physics teacher, etc. he goes, nope, it’s me because I get paid the same as those guys and I play dodgeball all day.
Me: I don’t mean to overstep but I would be a great hire.
Employer: In that case the Ministry of Silly Walks is not for you.
Me *goose step, tippy toe, barrel roll out the door*: Best of luck!
Employer *high kick, sashay to trashcan with resume*: Damn shame.
My youngest just brought me a bagful of her baby teeth and is demanding answers.
Why aren’t there new pasta shapes? We should be treating pasta shapes like iPhones, there should be a keynote every year.
No, I don’t like nature. I can’t respect anything that would so flippantly turn dinosaurs into birds.
I just want a stalker that will power wash my deck while I’m at work
Hostess:There’s a 45 min wait
Me:Do you know who I am? I have THOUSANDS of followers!
H:Let me ask my manager
*2 min later
H:It’ll be 43 min
Unicorns to the left of me
Mermaids to the right
Here I am
Stuck in the Centaur with you
Wife: [watching the news] oh God, did you see Petsmart got robbed?!
Me: [loud barks coming from all 19 pockets of my parachute pants] nope
I tried a vegan recipe book last night. It was much tastier than any of the recipes in it.
Every nature documentary has a pointless & soft lit cameo by a dung beetle that makes you suspect it’s dating the director
me: can we stop at olive garden
mom: we have family at home
guy: my dog just died
girl who studied abroad: wow that reminds of this one time in Europe i saw a dog
The phrase “A stone’s throw” has been discontinued.
Please use “In Wifi range” from now on.
Hey people that twitter says are “similar to me”, where do people like us put our car keys?!?!?!
Me: I want to be sculpted like a Greek god
Plastic surgeon: We can help with-
Me: *opens mouth* Fill me with cement
Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like “why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”
2003: Fear that ppl from the internet will find me in real life.
2013: Fear that ppl from real life will find me on the internet.