She said “you look like trouble”…so I nudged her down the stairs, because I don’t like people falling short of their expectations.
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[does ten push ups] I am a weapon
friend: what r u up to
me: eating 3 pounds of pasta
friend: what r u training for
me: eating 5
I love friendship errands, where you do a little task with a friend by your side for company, like pick up your prescription or stop at the post office or transport a ring of power to Mordor
*cracking knuckles, sharpening ax, loading 12-gauge*
Alright, it’s time to recite some poetry
My niece asked me what it’s like to be an uncle, so we got a feral cat from a shelter, chased it around for a bit, then took it back.
I’m not in my prime, I’m in my amazon prime. You’ll get what you want from me about 2 days after you ask for it.
Sometimes you have to stop tweeting to have an alibi for ignoring texts.
I have made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I’ve never made a bad sandwich. From now on I will make no more decisions only sandwiches.
me: [sets to bed time reminders on my Fitbit to be responsible]
Later that night
Fitbit: time for bed
me: DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO
Finding Nemo 2? I swear, if that kid gets lost again Finding Nemo 3 better be where child services locks the dad up for extreme negligence.
Weather channel: It’s going to get up into the mid-30’s this afternoon but it’ll still feel like it’s in the teens.
Me: Literally me.
I accidentally called it an eternity scarf instead of an infinity scarf and now I have to drink my Starbucks outside.
this makes me so uncomfortable
What happens when the in-flight movie stars Adam Sandler.
me: [tells joke]
son: I don’t get it
me: well ur mom told me a joke once and it took me 9 months to get it
Is it better to beat someone to the punch or punch someone to the beat?
My new sunglasses blend perfectly with the color of my hair so I won’t feel so stupid the next time I lose them on the top of my head.
If someone challenged me to a pie fight, I’d 100% choose the apple pie in the freezer.
[1st Date]
Her: Ask me something you really want to know about me…
Me: Ever had the urge to water balloon fight someone until death?
Homeless guy at the car wash just said I have beautiful eyes….So don’t play wit me
Me: the floor is lava
Pompeii: everything is lava
Alarm clock that releases spiders… NOW you’re up. Million dollar idea.
Him: I love birds.
Me: [trying to impress]
*smacks face into nearest window*
My husband and I are co-counsel in trial today.
We already had an argument about who would drive to the courthouse.
This should be good.
Me: Wanna have sex?
Wife: With you or in general?
Officer, I know I was speeding, but you have to let me go. I’m running late to a concert and I’m the guy who brings the giant beach ball.
Does my family really expect me to express my love for them on Valentine’s Day when we’ve been trapped together for months??
*gets a new lease on life*
*misses first payment*
My daughter is taking a bath and asking me to bring her Camping Barbie and every time I present a Barbie to her she says “No, CAMPING Barbie.” She is growing frustrated. I don’t know what to do. All of the Barbies are naked.
Movies, when someone gently places a blanket over a sleeping woman: she smiles in her sleep and snuggles in.
Me, when someone gets within 5 feet of me while I’m sleeping: starts boxing the air like Rocky on his second wind taking down Drago.