A starfish has five arms.
An anablep has four eyes.
An octopus has three hearts.And you’ve got two faces.
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I bet Usher shows everyone to their seats at his concerts.
*roundhouse kicks neighbor’s mailbox into street*
I DO NOT LIKE FAKE BARNS
When having guests over for lunch, once I’ve prepared the meal is it rude of me to leave?
I’ll do anything for you as long as I don’t have to get out of this chair.
Adulthood is like the part in The Wizard of Oz where Dorothy tries to runaway from her problems, but then SURPRISE, there is also a tornado.
My sex life has improved so much I’m thinking of asking someone else to join me…
Had to stop at Walmart for golf balls. Of course they’re all the way in the back. And it occurred to me as I was going to get them that I was walking further than I can hit the damn things.
“Enjoying your day off?” – what Jewish people say to each other on Christmas.
I’ll know I’m marrying the right person when we’ve both cancelled the wedding twice
Pandas are seen as useless because they lack energy, they don’t have sex and they have extremely poor diets. I am basically a panda.
Caught my son on an archaeology website looking at dirty pitchers.
My daughter (5) just said she can’t wait to be fat like me so it’s easier to float.
Sure sex is cool, but have you ever pulled an old book off a bookcase, opened a secret door & were never seen again
GET OVER HERE thunders across the bar as a harpooned rope impales a beautiful girl. The bartender smiles and shakes his head at Scorpion.
centaur: *falls down* I broke my arm
doctor: it’s okay I can fix it
centaur: agh I broke my leg too
doctor: *cocks rifle*
Just overheard someone say “it’s Friday somewhere” lmao. Like… it’s just… not.
Dear diary,
Third date this week that went bad. The tablecloth trick is getting better though. Will try again on my date tomorrow night.
date: I think we’ve actually met before
picasso: sorry I’m not good with faces
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest strength is, I want to say, “I push myself.”
Wife: hey take me out tonight.
Me: can it wait till tomorrow?
Wife: why?
Me: because tonight’s not garbage night, tomorrow is
In my culture, yawning and rolling my eyes during a Zoom meeting is a sign of respect.
The doctor asked if I was sexual active.
I shook my head and said “Not in front of the wife”.
My little dog: *knocks garbage can over in kitchen, walks by me with pizza crust hanging out of his mouth like a cigar*
Person: you only live once
Me: that is the best news I’ve heard all day
I’ll straight up play reindeer games with a squid and squid games with a reindeer I really don’t give a shit anymore.
I’m young, but not “know exactly why I came into this room” young.
[on the way to the hospital]
GF: “let me get this straight. You thoug-”
Me: I thought that the mouse trap would detect that I am not a mouse
When I was a kid I used to sneak into the racetrack. I was making a bet at the window and the lady said, “You’re not eighteen.” I said, “It’s for my dad,” and pointed out some old drunk. He waved. She said, “He looks wasted.” I said, “He is. Don’t make fun of my dad.”
Co-worker: What’s the difference between astronomy & astrology?
Me: Approximately 50-60 IQ points.
If you want to know how old my daughter is it’s “won’t talk on the phone if I’m in the room” years old