“Wow, haha, this is awkward. I didn’t think anyone was home. Uh…oh well…bears gotta maul…amirite?”
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Wife: I thought you returned this movie three weeks ago?
Me: I wanted to watch it again.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: I found it in the refrigerator.
I showed my kids Pitch Perfect but now my 7yo is adamantly insisting we form a family acapella group and HOW DO I UNDO THIS????
I read that 83% of prison inmates are Christians…should I be concerned with my safety when I’m up in Heaven?
Dear Kids,
“16 & Pregnant” is a TV show, not a Challenge…
“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Identical twins arguing over a photo.
Jesus draws a bath after an exhausting day, gets in “Damn it, c’mon, not again!” he says as he sits on top of the water, unable to submerge
I am ‘being spanked and told to nap is punishment’ years old
*winks*
me: the heart wants what the heart wants
heart: please stop drin-
me: whiskey it is
[watching kids make snowman]
Me: Hey honey, do you still keep that thing hidden in your dresser?
Wife: Yes…why?
Me (pointing): I don’t think that’s a carrot they used for his nose…
HIM: You know what we should do at our wedding reception?
[at the same time]
ME: Murder-suicide
HIM: The chicken dance!
Mom just reminded me of the time I got in trouble at church for purposefully and repeatedly pronouncing the “Ch” sound in Christ and pretending that I hadn’t heard the correct pronunciation before.
Birds are dinosaurs? No. I want dinosaurs here or I want them completely gone. I don’t need a bullshit imitation dinosaur to shit on my car.
This guy keeps buying me drinks and talking to me as if I’ll go home with him just because we’re married
Christmas needs to slow tf down I only got 8 dollars
Me: You know, one nice thing about being snowed in all weekend is we haven’t had to spend any money.
Wife: (clicking add to cart) So nice.
[Yelp review for Mario Bros Plumbing]
Ate my mushrooms, killed ALL my turtles, stole my coin collection. 1 star.
-Bowser K.
I am fairly well educated, but not ‘knows every nuance of the English language’ educated.
I also have no idea what ‘nuance’ means.
No parent wants to see their child grow up and join a cult or a cable news political panel.
[Millennial Antiques Roadshow]
Appraiser: The beige color & stretched coils indicate this was the cord to a…landline phone.
*crowd gasps
Husband: you might want to start adding an occasional LOL
or I’m kidding
or smiley emoji
or I love you into your texts…so if anything ever happens to me it throws off the investigation.
[Starbucks]
“Yes, I’d like a venti skinny soy half-sweet one-pump caramel macchiato half-caff extra whip, please.”
Barista: Is Pepsi ok?
Tried to sneakily put my 5-year-old to bed an hour early because I was exhausted, figuring I could get away with it because it was cloudy and dark outside. Little dude looked me dead in the eye and, “Alexa, what time is it?”
One day, when my kids are grown with their own homes, I’ll come over, grind food into all of their keyboards and lie about it.
You can tell me any plot of land is an acre and I will have no choice but to believe you.
Me: You know when you borrowed my car, you left the seat back. I spent the entire day not able to drive right. I kept wondering if I shrunk or the car grew.
Son: can you just call and wish me good luck on my finals like a normal mom?
“I would’ve gotten away with it, too, if it wasn’t for you meddling bondage enthusiasts!”
A haunted house, but instead of masked creatures it’s filled with everyone’s mother-in-laws.
If the object of having a few drinks is to ” Take the edge off”, then I’m Spherical
I’d never impersonate an Uber driver and show up at your house.
That would be crazy.
roses are black. so is my heart. me and fries. till death do us part.