I bet a woman found that F35 and it was exactly where she said it would be.
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got kicked out of Home Depot for trying to ride the forklift into the bathroom again
“Be strong” I whisper to my coffee.
MOM ITS NOT A DOLLHOUSE IM PRETENDING TO BE A GIANTE THATS TERRORIZING A FAMILY GOSH *waits for mom to leave* and im makig them have tea
Without telling me where you live tell me your social security number and mother’s maiden name.
tonight i learned that my mom ended a friendship because the person in question claimed a baby was flirting, and i have never respected her more
*first day as a magician*
Me: For my next trick im going to make this parrot disappear, abracadabra!
Child: the parrots under your shirt. I can see it.
Me: no it isn’t
My shirt: no it isn’t
You say kidnapping. I say surprise adoption.
Tomato, Tomahto
Get in the van.
If every day is a gift, I’m going to return some of them. Store credit is fine.
HILARIOUS DAD: who has two thumbs and can hitchhike going either north or south? This guy!
UNAMUSED MOM: renew the AAA I said. You never know when you’ll need it I said. But noOOooo
Doctor: seems like you have a pretty severe brain injury
Me: you can tell that from a leg x-ray?
Doctor: no I’ve read your tweets
Adhd brain is amusing.
I know I need to make a list, but I fight making a list, and then I go to the store and completely neglect everything I need and come home with a donkey.
me: “my wife is having a baby”
colleague: “omg, do you know what it is?”
me: “it’s a person but smaller”
It’s ok. I killed the oregano flake on the counter.
Writing a personal ad. So far I have:
Has all own teeth
The year 2077. Due to the dog filter, face swap, and distortion filters, senior citizens have no idea what they really looked like as teens.
Thanks to Fitbit, all my anxious pacing can be passed off as exercise.
My landlord is very strict about dogs. It doesn’t matter how well-behaved they are. He still won’t accept them as a form of rent.
Charlie Brown can only afford the one outfit because he works for peanuts.
I would watch the Bachelor if everyone who doesn’t get a rose gets thrown into a volcano
me [sneezes]: excuse me.
guy at the bus stop: [starts crying] my ex used me too, man.
I prefer Big Caesars. Easier to cut weeth.
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: I just wanted to see you.[4:07 am]
I’ve been cutting the chocolate milk with regular milk so it will go further and my kids have never noticed. I would’ve been a really good drug dealer.
If I die, tell them to reconstruct me from sock DNA.
serial killer: you’re in for a slow and agonizing death
me: so you’re gonna let me live
*me, dead for several years, in my casket six feet in the earth. suddenly, my phone, which i insisted on being buried with me, lights up*
{linkedin notification} congratulate david crandall on working 4 years at the ground beef station at taco bell
ME: may I speak to the chef please? Today’s repast was magnifiqué
MCDONALD’S CASHIER: what
Help me practice my knife throwing skills.
You catch.
Going to keep letting animals bite me until I get super powers.
This may be my favorite dog video ever.