Them: Do any vampires die in this movie?
Me: No it’s pretty low stakes.
You Might Also Like
People with pretty privilege?
You mean the gourgeoisie???
The person who made stabbing people illegal, clearly never slept next to someone who snores.
Wife: Why don’t you buy me flowers?
Me: I didn’t realise you sold them. Also why are you talking like a pirate?
This day in history. 1998. Sonny Bono was killed while skiing at Lake Tahoe nothing to do with him trying to leave Scientology nope nothing.
Therapist: what was it like growing up?
Me: I just [reaches for tissues] kept getting taller.
ugh fine
…i guess since i’m a
pisces i’ll marry aquaman
Just want to point out the NRA’s plan to stop school shootings is literally the plot of Kindergarten Cop.
yo LA chill out with your restaurant names
I never interrupt because I’m rude. I interrupt because I’m more interesting.
I was having a good weekend until my plans got cancelled.
Now I’m having a great weekend.
Me: I want a snack.
Husband: You could have veggies.
Me: …I have never felt less heard in this marriage than I do now.
Very few people will notice the possum in this picture because they’re so good at hiding
I’m not saying he’s a gold digger, but he certainly did not hold back when I took him through the McDonald’s drive thru.
7yr old: Mum, what happens if you eat lots of tinsel?
Me: probably emergency surgery to prevent obstruction somewhere in your digestive system.
7yr old: *blank face* *small voice* you get tinselitis.
My 8yo nephew who has never seen a CD player before just asked if the eject button was for his seat in my car and in this very moment I wish it was
[meeting a girl at the bar]
ME (nervously cracking every knuckle): hi I’m brandon
GIRL: please let go of my hands
There is no such thing as a “silly goose.” Any goose displaying anything but pure malice is trying to lull you into a false sense of security.
Job interviewer: Where would you like to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?
Interviewer: Well, we prefer to call it a background check.
AMERICA: We don’t need the metric system, our measurement system is fine
AMERICAN MEASUREMENT SYSTEM:
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i can cry
professor x: on command?
me: no just when i’m sad or whatever
professor x: you don’t punch a hole in the drywall?
me: nope
professor x: wow [writes on notepad] logan are you hearing this?
Walk up to a girl, sniff her hair, and whisper “Perfect. Master will love you.” This is a great way to increase your tolerance to Mace…
I just took a shower…
You have no idea how hard it was to sneak that thing out of Home Depot.
When did folks start naming kids old fashioned trades like, “Hunter” and “Porter” and “Archer” and “Blacksmith” and “Prostitute?”
ME: You could cut the tension with a knife
CABLE CAR OPERATOR: Please don’t
{the invention of maple syrup}
So, Jacques, have you ever sucked a tree?
When customer service said the wait time was approximately 278 minutes, I wasn’t sure if they were trying to get me to hang up or they were going into RENT the Musical.
it’s funny they call them “unidentified flying objects”. I could identify them right away. those are ufos
I’m not saying I killed it on the stock market today, but there’s a good chance I’m cutting up a hot dog into my Kraft Dinner tonight.
Woke up against my better judgment again