*wakes up*
*looks at clock*
8:00
*brushes teeth*
*looks at clock again*
8:30*gets to work*
*looks at clock*
9:00
*comes out of a 2 hour meeting*
*looks at clock again*
9:05
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If you could only see yourself through my eyes, then you’d see how blurry you really are.
“Be cool, it’s the cops” I said to my 3 cats I dressed up like robbers as my other 3 cats came out of the kitchen dressed like policemen
PROSECUTOR: never? Not once in all the time you have lived at the defendant’s house?
MY CAT: I have never been fed, your honor
I call my period Shark week.
I want to eat everything, I’m snapping at people, I feel huge, people are scared of me, and there is blood everywhere
ME: *hands a hundred dollar bill to a dog groomer and points at my head* just try your best
Ron is short for Aaronald
As a kid my mom laughed at me because I was always worrying about being shot with a crossbow while on the toilet. Well who’s laughing now?
“I’m wet and have crabs.” That’s what sea said.
My mom gave the kids a 1,000 piece puzzle, so tonight, as a family, we will be putting together a list of nursing homes.
The trick is to leave enough details online so that a determined mysterious rich uncle can find you but not enough so random murderers can.
When you鈥檙e feeling frisky and shaved up to your knee.
With a straight face, my neighbor asked me not to do yardwork when her boyfriend is outside.
So yes, I think they’re in a healthy relationship.
I would be okay with a ghost in the house if every time a bathroom mirror fogged up with steam, it slowly wrote out “DID YOU LOSE WEIGHT?”
there are two types of people:
– someone who texts an entire paragraph before hitting send
– someone who texts that same paragraph and hits send after every third word
Him: If they ask you any questions, just play stupid. You know nothing….
Me: Oh, I think I can handle that.
Elton John: Mars ain鈥檛 the kinda place to raise your kids…
Neil Degrasse Tyson: [peers over newspaper]
Elton John: in fact it鈥檚 cold as hell
Neil Degrasse Tyson: [nods, goes back to reading]
On a poster in my math class “4 out of 3 people have trouble with fractions” The sad thing is my first thought was “Oh good, I’m not alone!”
*boss stops meeting*
Mike, is there something you’ld like to share with the whole group?
Me: Nooooo, that’s why I whispered it to Alan.
this is literally a CIA plant
Children are the future. Cuz in the present, they’re hella annoying
EARTH:
SUN: please dont
EARTH: 馃幎you-
SUN: seriously dude come on
EARTH: 馃幎spin me right round
SUN: *sigh* 馃幎baby right round
EARTH: 馃幎like a record baby
SOLAR SYSTEM: 馃幎right round round round
[emergency]
[super hero appears]
GUY: It’s Doesn’t-Understand-Rhetorical-Questions Man. Boy, am I glad to see you!
HERO: I…I don’t know
[sees old lady drop $20]
Devil on Shoulder: Grab her cash!
Devil on other Shoulder: And push her over!
Him: Didn’t you buy that apple pie yesterday?
Me: Yeah, so?
Him: There’s one small piece left.
Me: And if you touch it, I’ll stab you.
Jesus turned water into wine.
I turn food into fertilizer.
We are not the same.
Everyone always jokes that women are obsessed with shoes but my female friends aren’t the ones posting 6 sneaker insta pics a week
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
Honestly, my biggest fear about becoming a zombie is all the socializing.
You, watching House Hunters: this is ridiculous
Me, a house hunter: [squatting low to the ground, sniffing house dung] a bungalow is nearby
Less than two weeks until Canadian Thanksgiving.
Better start marinating the beaver.