I accidentally dripped some mustard on my newborn daughter’s forehead and long story short a nurse just walked in and saw me lick the baby.
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Customer is always right
Stole my neighbors family portrait & got it tattooed on my back. Now I’m standing in their living room facing the wall 2 see if they notice.
You can’t mix skeleton and hellhound armies because the hellhounds will just bury the skeleton soldiers for later.
My toddler wanted to take a spatula to the zoo and after a fierce round of negotiations I was able to talk her down to a spatula and a throw pillow.
My pessimism has never failed me, but I’m sure someday it will.
Never considered this before, but I might be a “local woman”
[being stared at by a bunch of guys as I bathe in an airport washroom] can someone get my back please?
We belong together like chocolate and strawberries, like burgers and fries, like laundry and exercise equipment.
lol – getting pizza slice and the guy in front of me (trying to banter with the cashier) is like “you made mine with extra love right” and the cashier very solemnly and Eastern European accentedly said “it’s made with normal amount pepperoni”
If I was a kitty, I would smack you off the table.
Boss: Your career is like a phoenix.
Me: You mean you expect it to rise from the ashes?
Boss: No, I mean it’s entirely imaginary.
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
Friend, cradling a baby: I just love the smell of babies!
Me: Yes, delicious.*friend frowns; I discretely check my Conversational Human guide*
Me: Yes, “nice.”
My cat sat up from a dead sleep and stared, frantic toward the empty basement laundry room so I guess I’ll be buying a new house now.
Me: He said he likes mac-n-cheese better the way his mom makes it.
Female judge: Case dismissed!
It’s a good thing I’m not a bird. They’d be telling me I needed to fly south and I’d be like look guys, I only do right or left.
My 6yo set a timer so that I could have a rest after eating. When the alarm went off it was time for me to go play with him.
He set the timer for 11 seconds. Plenty of time for a rest.
Just got my invitation to Lady Gaga’s wedding reception. I can choose between beef or chicken. Not for the meal, that’s the dress code.
dear god make me a bird so I can fly. fly far far away and also so I can poop on people
Apparently there’s enough room in my mouth to put more than one foot.
Her: Do I look fat?
Him: Do I look stupid?…
I went out of town for a few days and came home to my dog who seems to want to have a word with me about it.
*Goes to work*
*Punches clock*
*Gets fired for breaking clock*
Cannot believe that even in this day and age people discriminate against each other for petty things like race and religion. All people are deserving of love and respect if they’re good looking. Period.
Any job that calls u a rockstar just know they’re underpaying u
Today me is so mad at yesterday me for making plans tonight as if I forgot I was going to be an entire day older
Why don’t they make posters that go this hard anymore
whenever i see sombody obsessively taking photos of the sunset, i go up to them & whisper “dont worry.. the sun is gonna come back tomorow”
non-violent communication is so important in a relationship! instead of:
“you never take out the trash”
try:
“i FEEL like the spreadsheet i’ve kept for the last six months indicates you only took the trash out 3.2% of the time”
Hadn’t tried on a pair of jeans since April. They weren’t distressed before but five minutes of wearing them and they were firing flares off into the sky.