Michelangelo: Why are you naked?
Me: How else are you going to sculpt me like you did David?
Michelangelo: Dude, I’m a ninja turtle!
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I am a mother, of course I talk to myself. I am the only one in this house that listens.
*first day as a lawyer*
Bailiff: All rise for the judge.
Me: *too lazy* Objection.
tired of seeing everyone’s boyfriend taking them on paint and picnic dates so my dog took me on one instead
In my defense, I didn’t realize it was a funeral procession when I started flipping people off for going so slow.
📽️movie date🎞️
Marriage, when you drink as much as possible before your husband gets home so you can just drink 1 glass of wine in front of him.
What can I buy my wife for Valentine’s Day that finally proves to her once and for all that I have absolutely no idea what she likes or who she is?
which department at your work thinks they know everything but constantly screws things up and why is I.T.
m’lady
Hubby is playing “Restaurant” with the kids and it went from them serving him food, to him calling the cops on them so I guess it’s not going well.
If I were lost and all I had was a compass I would still be lost.
Nobody talks about Dumbo anymore…
He’s irrelephant
Preacher: CAN I GET AN AMEN?!?
Me: [from back row] MAY you get an amen
Tiger Woods? Do u mean the jungle?
Me: How dare you accuse me of being drunk last night !?
Wife: You were laughing all night at the TV – that wasn’t even turned on!
ask your insurance company if you’re healthy enough to see a doctor
Write a suicide note on Facebook and they try to talk you out of it.
Write a suicide note on Twitter and they correct your grammar.
This day in history. 1976. 80-year-old choreographer Busby Berkeley died tragically when he wandered absently into a circle of high kicking showgirls.
Sometimes I look at my kids and marvel at how brilliant they are, other times my 5 year old puts on a clean shirt without taking the dirty one off first.
My liver’s so black, it went to a respected college, got a great job, and made it’s family very proud.
Weren’t expecting that, huh?
Racist.
Me: kids, your mother & I are in a gang now. There’s room for 2 more members
Son: but there’s 3 of us
Me [petting both our dogs]: 3 what?
“Yes mam that’ll be $1200”
“Just to remove a cassette tape that’s stuck?”
“Ma’m, it’s in your CD player”
[hotel]
me: do you offer turndown service
concierge: sorry no
me: thank you
no one who’s ever been hit in the head with a softball calls it a softball
Just ate a Pop-Tart off of a real plate like some kind of goddamn oil magnate
Her: I love your eyes.
Me: Thanks, they were a set…
ME (just before the road trip): I can hold it until I get there.
ME (4 hours in):
I hate when I make a joke and everyone says, “Too soon.”
I’m sorry, if I wait any longer the funeral will be over.
Sometimes I get bored and try to get random people to read “alpha kenny body” 3 times fast.