Gonna match donations for bail funds up to $100 today. Post your receipts in the comments and I’ll post my match.
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You can literally say “the night is young” at any time of day or night. Nobody is policing this.
Overheard in a coffee shop: “A rat I follow on Instagram just had a stroke.” Struggling to process.
You want just one cow for those magic beans? Idk, I’m suspicious, magic beans sounds like the sort of thing that would cost 2 cows.
Once a lady asked me to guess her age. I don’t like playing this game but she insisted. I gave her a good look, estimated her age, and subtracted 10 years just to be safe. “37” I said. Well for a 26 yo she threw quite the fit.
Anyway the lesson here is don’t smoke cigarettes.
my go-to phrase at work is “I’ll crunch the numbers” but the truth is I’ll just go back to my desk & crunch my flaming hot cheetos
My waterproof phone is advertised in commercials with people surfing and kayaking and here I am tweeting in the shower.
FROM THE FIRST BITE YOU CAN TELL CELERY DOESN’T WANT TO BE EATEN
Crazy how my 3-year-old can expertly maneuver the Android operating system but can’t put on a flip flop.
My husband is in the other room explaining to the cat that even tho we are going to bed early, he (the cat) is welcome to stay up
[Turing Test]
Tester: Let’s start with an easy one, the square root of 29241?
Subject: 171!
Tester:
Subject: I meant, idk math is hard. lol
If only
If your kids aren’t drinking enough water, tell them it’s bedtime.
Wife: How long has 5 been in the tub?
Me: I’m letting her soak before I wash her
Me: *throws out a manual that’s been sitting in a drawer for 10 years*
(The next day)
Husband: Have you seen the manual for-
And here I am – not at Coachella – again. Thank the gods.
I have a work dinner tomorrow night and a comedy awards night after. I don’t want the comedians to think I dressed up for them so I’m stuffing sweatpants in my handbag
Ever try spreading really cold butter on toast? I’m like the human version of that.
in second grade there was a new girl in my class named Treasure and her parents were hippies. i remember thinking hippies weren’t that bad. and then i met her little sister Tammy. they gave up on cool names after ONE kid! don’t be Treasure’s parents
Cost me $200 to fill up my tank tonight. Don’t know why I bought a tank, so impractical.
[dark alley]
Dealer: so what you want
Me: a gram
[dealer opens trenchcoat, revealing multiple grandmothers]
I’ve been banned from the starwars subreddit for repeatedly referring to C3PO as “the aluminum foil”
“Last Christmas” is a strange song. It’s been 12 months and we’re just now addressing this situation?
My dog just puked on the floor.
5yo: MOMMY, LOOK!
Me: Eeeww!
5yo: We are just gonna have to move now!I like the way this kid thinks!
Apologies to my husband for the things I muttered about him when I thought he’d finished my chocolate
[first day as a vampire]
*squirts ranch on your neck*
My neighbor totally has heads in his freezer.
– My neighbor
Hello. I am Public Restroom. Would you like some toilet paper that melts in the palm of your hand? Here, have some empty soap, my child.
I feel a deep connection to librarians because I also love telling people to shut up.
My aunt’s ex-boyfriend’s mailman’s brother said it on Facebook so I don’t think any further research is necessary.
2:10 – perfect popcorn
2:13 – firefighters on scene