I always regret making a good first impression because there is no way I can keep that shit up.
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Dammit my husband found my candy stash in the bag of riced cauliflower in the freezer. He’s good.
Life is not a sprint, it’s a Marathon gas station that’s always out of your favorite drink and someone is always in the restroom when you need to go.
SON: *first word* momma.
MOM: DID YOU HEAR THAT?
ME: *distracted by the faint song of an ice cream truck*
He never comes down our street.
we got a new bathroom accessory and now the toilet is amazed when I pee
An opossum is just a regular possum that reenacts the diner scene from When Harry Met Sally.
If you ever hire workmen for anything, it’s CRITICAL you sniff their armpits at the end of the day to make sure you got your money’s worth.
. 🧔🏻/ It’s
<) ) 🎹🎹🎹
/🧔🏻 9 o’clock
( (> 🎹🎹🎹
/🧔🏻/ On a Saturday
<) ) 🎹🎹🎹
/The regular crowd
👴🏻/ 👵🏽/ 👩🏻/ 👨🏽/
<) ) <) ) <) ) <) )
/ / / /Shuffles in
My wife is scrolling through Netflix to see what shows I watched between now and when she asked me to vacuum. Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit.
My 4 year old is handing me one grape to wash at a time so breakfast should be served around midnight.
I overheard my daughter asking the little boy next door, “Are you the opposite sex, or am I.”
She: I like Cats
He:
I’m getting tired of always having to slowly raise my hand every time someone angrily asks, “Who does something like that?!”
me, waiting for the doctor on the exam table
Whatever your age, I think you should try to learn something new every day. Today I learned that 50 year old men shouldn’t run for trains. Discovering that ambulance beds are surprisingly comfortable was merely a bonus lesson.
“Susan cancel my 2 o’clock”
Both hands stuck in Pringles cans again? Here let me help
“no no no I need to learn to do this on my own”
Sunday
getting a rib removed so i can suck my own rib
Satan: it’s just… people usually ask for something a little more substantial in exhange for their soul
Me: *straining to reach the remote* are you going to hand it to me or not??
ubereats: it will cost £3.50 extra to send this cheeseburger to your house
me: ye ye ye hurry up gimmewikipedia: please donate to this website you find very useful or we will die
me: LMAOOOOOOOOOO
It was an unfortunate incident, but at least Doug learned he should never lick his light saber after using it to cut chocolate cake.
We got caught Brian, just act normal..
Why was E the only letter in the alphabet to get a Christmas present?
Because the rest were not-E.
Oh honey, that’s not “causing a scene”.
Here, check this out…
I was 14, my dad caught me drinking. ‘Dad, that’s the first time’
‘That’s a lie, no one ever gets caught the first time.’
So I robbed a bank
OH GOOD!
My child is tall enough to reach light switches.
genie: [unloading my dishwasher] this is ridiculous
A work from home email:
Dear mom,
Per my last email, I would love a grilled cheese for lunch, at your earliest convenience. Please advise.
Best,
Gwynn Ballard
Manager of House Operations
Julius Caesar was born with a silver spoon in his mouth and died with a whole bunch of cutlery in his back.