When someone pisses me off, I plan my revenge in my head.
Then I realize how long that will take and I take a nap instead.
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me: i’m not afraid of death
[2 mins later : stubs toe]
also me: OMG I’M DYING
[me, at Hot Topic] ah yes, bring me your hottest topics, my good man
[Thanksgiving dinner]
WIFE: These potatoes are burnt to a crisp
ME: Those are for tomorrow
WIFE: Because…tomorrow is Bla-
ME: Black Fry Day
fiance: “just pretend to be religious for 10 minutes and he’ll agree to marry us”
me: “okay”
[at church]
priest: “it’s nice to meet you both”
me: [seeing crucifixion statue on wall] “jesus what happened to this guy?”
*tucks an errant lock of my gynecologist’s hair behind her ear with my toes*
I was dating a Masseuse but he rubbed me up the wrong way so now I’m dating his brother the chiropractor, who so really cracks me up.
It seems that after checking my bank account, I need to turn to a life of crime
If a girl has magnetic personality and still She can’t attract the desired boy.
Then that means the boy has iron deficiency.
Plot Twist: Your taxes cheated on you.
Once you get a dog, nothing in your house belongs to you anymore.. 😅
That’s *exactly* what Meghan Markle would say.
I’d get down on my knees and pitch my gardening skills but I don’t want to sell myself short.
Hold on I’m about to count my money. Alright I’m done.
Getting ready for work, Hank stared in the mirror and sighed. Assistant manager at Applebee’s might not be his dream job, but at least it kept a roof over their heads and put trash on the table.
I love seeing the look of dawning comprehension as someone realizes a new truth.
*tosses another water balloon from my roof
What will Tesla name their electric lawnmower?
E-Lawn
“Fidget toys” is just a term used by folks who got tired of folks yelling at them to stop flipping their goddamn keys.
Beauty and the Beast is my favorite movie about how beauty is only skin deep. What’s important is that you’re rich & you have a giant castle
[at party]
wife: well I guess we should try and mingle
me: ok
wife:
me: sooo how are u and the kids doing
wife: omg I meant with other people
Manager: If you continue to solicit your “magical services” to any more customers, I’ll be contacting the police. Do I make myself clear?
Me, lowering voice: You’re still pretty visible but I do know a guy
My mom when I was a kid:
“Never talk to strangers.”
“Never get in their cars.”
Me to my future kids:
“Here’s how to order an Uber.”
When the zombie apocalypse comes and you’re in Walmart, how will you know?
“So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?”
“The usual, self defecating.”
“Ha, I think you mean deprecating.”
“Think all you like.”
*Tries to hit the gym*
*Gym hits back*
[At a loud club]
Me: *the unceasing drone of locusts, driving to madness all unlucky souls who hear it*
Him: WHAT?
Me: *THE UNCEASING DRO
[high seas]
FIRST MATE: The men be ready to attack
PIRATE: Arr!
FIRST MATE: Oh sorry…the men “are” ready to attack
Me: stop barking at the nice person who is delivering pizza to us!
Also me: you didn’t even notice that the pizza guy was here?! He could have murdered us!
good morning to everyone except the people who make TV shows that include critical dialogue being messaged between characters which is nearly impossible for the viewers to read
Me: Why are you in such a bad mood?
5-year-old: I haven’t had my coffee.
Me: You’ve never had coffee.
5-year-old: Exactly.