Joined our neighborhood watch program. There’s 30 of us though so I only get to wear it like 1 day a month. 🙁
You Might Also Like
When do you introduce yourself to your new neighbors? Is it after 5 years? Tell me it’s after you hit their mailbox with your car.
ME: [putting a condom on]
HER: it doesn’t go on me
Me: I slept through the second half of that movie
Kids: And the first half
Me: Yes
You kids today with your on demand music don’t know the euphoria of hearing your jam come on the radio without the DJ talking over it.
I’m never quite sure when to lean in for a kiss after a job interview.
One time for my child’s birthday party, I accidentally sent the kids home with whistles in their goodie bags. I lost 47 friends that day.
Somebody Cadbury Cream egged our house last night. I’d be upset, but I’ve been too busy licking off the bricks.
You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
Make a dating service for introverts and call it Mumble
Not to brag, but I was voted “Most Likely To Mention Something Truly Insignificant As If It Was A Big Deal” by everyone who has ever met me.
A dog opens the front door.
Wearing a suit, he drops his briefcase, walks to the couch, and crashes next to his owner.
“Hey, buddy. How was work?”
And the dog goes “RUFF.”
you: this is my avocado peeler, and this is my avocado masher, and this is my avocado slicer…
me: fork.
*Watching Friday the 13th VII*
GF: This is the 7TH TIME a bunch of kids were murdered at that camp?
Me: Yeah.
GF: You’d think someone would have put up a sign by now.
I am a tiny man: when my son was born, the doctor handed me to him
If Liam Neeson keeps starring in the same film pretty soon he’s going to be Taken 4: Granted
5: mummy I want to hug you forever *walks off to kitchen*
Me: I thought you wanted to hug me forever
5: yeah now I want cheese
Whenever people say they’re willing to do “whatever it takes” to “make it in Hollywood” they never mean “patiently work on their craft”.
I saw a spider crawl under my kid’s bed and was too tired to go after it, but that’s okay, no living creature can survive that environment.
If your store sells carpet and tile and you’re not advertising a July Floor-th sale then what are you even doing?
Really successful people don’t sleep much. I don’t know why I don’t sleep much.
If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out
February 2020 – *looks at phone to check the date*
April 2020 – *looks at phone to check what day of the week it is*
“I’ll catch up with you, I just have to make ONE more joke on Twitter” (How I’d die in a horror movie)
Welcome to your 40’s. You now choose restaurants based on how much back support their seating offers
call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.
I wish ‘You idiot.’ was an appropriate way to end a work email.
them: With great power comes great responsibility
me: *shuts off electricity*
My patronus is a cheeseburger
“IN THIS CORNER.. DWAYNE “THE ROCK” JOHNSON”
*the rock beats chest*
AND IN THIS CORNER… RYAN “PAPER” WALLACE
*the rock is visibly nervous*
RACCOON: I’m being burglarized
911: can u describe him
RACCOON: he’s wearing a mask
911: maybe he’s your
RACCOON: nevermind, it’s my husband