Mom: I HEARD UR SICK
Me: just a cold
Mom: U HAVE THE ZIKA
M: no I-
Mom: OH GOD IT’S ZIKA
M: mom-
Mom: I TRIED TO RAISE U RIGHT
M: wait, what
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Two ill-tempered people return from a fractious trip to the grocery store, driving through an Old Testament downpour, and neither having changed the battery in the garage door opener.
Your prospects for a pleasant day are excellent because they have absorbed all the anger in…
If you’re feeling down, just think of the person for whom your ex is a step up, and be grateful.
I’d give my left arm to be able to leave work and go kayaking.
Albeit it in very slow counterclockwise circles.
I’m a carb girl, born and bread
My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.
[restaurant]
Waiter: Chicken?
Me: No I’ll fight you RIGHT NOW
DATE: {seductively} What’s your type?
ME: {seductively} One sec.
[2 minutes later]
ME: Ok yeah, love you, no I’m on a date, mom she’s the one trust me, thanks again, ok bye. {turns to date} She said B positive.
[eulogy] “Before we get started I’d like to ask Jenny, Dawn, Rachel, the deceased’s 2 sons and the entire front row to put down your phones”
used to be as a frog you could say “ribbit.” but you can’t do that anymore. because of croak
Money’s missing from under my pillow, I think I’ve been visited by the teef fairy.
Wrestling is the only sport that gets more embarrassing when you become a professional.
Interstellar (2014) – A widower utilizes mankind’s greatest technology to get as far away as possible from his kids.
Daughter: Mommy, what’s that thing in your drawer that goes buzz buzz?
Me:
Daughter:
Me:
Daughter:
Me: GO TO YOUR ROOM!
When you’re cruising down the highway of life, and glance over to see bumper to bumper traffic on the other side of the highway, only to find out that you’re actually going in the wrong direction
Reasons why i never let my girlfriend touch my iPhone. 1) I don’t have iPhone. 2) I don’t have a girlfriend.
You never see a church with free wifi. I guess because no church wants to compete with an invisible power that actually works.
“Kids grow up so fast”yeah maybe you forgot to change your clocks bruh
18: I’m going to ask the stylist what color screams parental issues.
Me: …
Based on my experience with trying to find the restroom at Kohl’s, I would die first in the Hunger Games.
I’m trying to pretend these kids aren’t mine, but it’s so hard when they are sitting at the same table as me in this restaurant.
I like to use the Ouija board to pester my dead husbands.
[first day as a cop]
me: i found the body
other officer: any id?
me: *pulls out badge* yeah dude, it’s me, your partner
9-year-old: Sorry I stayed up past my bedtime last night.
Me: You stayed up past your bedtime?
9: No.
My standup has no deeper message and if I find out I’m empowering anyone or anything I’ll quit.
Overheard 10 plan her b-day party with her BFF, including renting several hotel rooms for a mega sleepover.
Somebody tell her, I can’t.
The last 60+ Miss Universe pageant winners have been from earth I don’t know man, seems fixed.
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
was driving on the freeway and this guy was speeding like a maniac, just weavin’ around, cutting everybody off like a damn nut. and then he exits the freeway at Zoo Drive! lmao this freak just trying to get to the zoo
Welcome back to another episode of Did I Close the Ziplock Bag Properly?
Man, my 84-year-old neighbor must REALLY like working on his car. He’s been under there changing the oil for 3 days.