Dance like you didn’t file your tax return.
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ME: *staring into my lover’s eyes in the midst of a warm embrace*
HER: What are you thinking?
ME: *caressing her cheek* I forgot your name.
One time I hung out with a dudes friend so my hot friend could flirt with the dude and long story short I made him cry after he said that he got “stuck with me”.
My family was totally confused tonight because there’s a candle lit that smells like a cake is baking without burning
I don’t do that
My youngest son hid a Ziploc bag of Froot Loops in his pajama drawer so that he wouldn’t miss out on the “good cereal” if he woke up late tomorrow, in case you wondered what growing up in a big family is like.
I am less the girl you take home to meet your mother and more the girl you take to meet your psychiatrist.
Me: What are you up to?
Her: I’m making Chinese.
Me: Cloning’s unethical. Hahaha just kidding. Make me a math tutor.
Not sure who needs to hear this, but a group of porcupines is called a prickle.
Just this preview of the story is enough
I just heard that most of the babies recently born in New Zealand take a moment to look around then loudly say, “Ohhh, HELL YEAH!”
when the author kills off your favorite character 😭😭😭
WIFE (noticing lipstick on my collar): have you been kissing another woman?
ME: uhh
MY DOG (with bright pink lips): go on, tell her
[proposing to my Karate gf]
Me: So, will you marry me?
Her: I’m not sure….
Me: Dojo breakin’ my heart, LOL
Her: Now I’m sure it’s a no.
cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.
Autocorrect got me in trouble again when I invited the neighbors over for a friendly game of Go Fist.
Today my son got dressed in nice clothes and said it was picture day at his school (His school of course is our kitchen table). It was either a very sweet moment or the first sign that the kid is starting to crack. Either way, I charged him 45 dollars for a 15 picture package.
choose your fighter(holiday edition)
ME: You should always say no to drugs.
SON: Okay.
ME: Let’s practise. Do you want this drug?
SON: No, two drugs.
Me: Magic 8-Ball, will I ever find true love?
Cantaloupe: Maybe if you lay off the drugs.
I nearly choked on a hard boiled egg and I know in my heart a cinnamon bun would never treat me this way
Once I was a passenger in a car when a deer ran across the road. I screamed, so the driver looked at ME instead of the ROAD. I’ve trained myself to always scream “DEER!” instead of just screaming. *sighing* So. Anyway, sorry I screamed “DEER!” when you startled me in the hallway.
I wish there was enough room on TV for another show called Judge Judy, but where people just stood around criticizing a woman named Judy.
Horrifying if literal: shit storm
Oh look the neighbors have a Halloween inflatable
-releases the cats
[my first day on the international space station]
*grinds pepper over food*
Oh.
Oh no.
Top uses for a bathroom exhaust fan:
3. Remove moisture from the air
2. Remove odor from the air
1. Cover up disgusting sounds
Someone asked for my advice today and I replied, “What would Jesus do?”
…and that’s how you get people to stop talking to you at work.
Spending the day removing $1.6 billion worth of stuff from my Amazon shopping cart.
Do the makers of hold music know that Mozart wrote more than one song
You can’t change your past but you can change your pasta.
First day as a dad
When I change its diaper is that when I oil the baby? Also where is the filter and how many quarts does it take?