Cute Red panda trying to scare off a stone , by standing..
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Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.
Boom, boom, ching!
@brookeG105 @SwedishCanary @funTweeters @Mad_Humor
They say if you love something set it free so am I supposed to just leave the front door open or do I drop my kids at the park or something?
when you’re locked out of the house and you can see your keys sitting right there on the table
“Describe your last relationship.”
Tired: like two ships passing in the night.
Wired: like a container ship stuck in the Suez Canal that won’t move ahead but also won’t let anyone else by.
[Nightclub]
Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* I NEED HOT WATER FOR MY CUP O’ NOODLES
When I wear cargo shorts and I need to find my phone I suddenly transform into a baseball coach giving play signals.
If you come to my house and see a coffee cup upside down on the floor, just be my hero and put the spider outside please.
ME: [licking lips in anticipation] I’m nervous. I’ve never done a bungee jump before.
INSTRUCTOR: don’t lick my lips again.
Untitled Goose Monstress
Lol jk of course her name is Megoosa
Why is it called stupidity and not a total eclipse of the smart?
I am in the battle of my life with tangled macrame and I may not make it. If a spider finds me, I’m screwed.
My kid has Monday off for what school is calling “Family Connection Time.” I’ve had 5 years and 3 summer months of that. Take my kid.
I’d like to speak to America’s manager.
Because you crave something doesn’t mean it’s good for you. Every time my husband opens his mouth about politics I crave instant death.
These Brit awards outfits are getting stupid now.
[1868]
*forgets cup of coffee on top of horse*
Husband: You know how we could keep costs down on a really cold day?
Me: Setting fire to the house?
by age 35 you should hate at least 4 neighborhood kids
Why I update my apps
:-For the new features ❌:-for the notifications to go away✅
JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the people living life in peace.
ME: That’s beautiful.
CARL DOUGLAS: Okay, now imagine they were kung fu fighting.
ME: No you’re right that’s better. Carl’s is better.
Bear: What’s the matter, pal?
Me: Just down is all
Bear: I bet a good mauling would make you feel better
Me: Dammit, I said no!
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive
Flight attendant: Do we have a doctor on board
Me: I have a PhD in mathematics
Flight attendant: one passenger is having a heart attack and one passenger is having an asthma attack
Me: *nodding* that makes two
spinach is nowhere near as delicious as Popeye led us to believe
my 23 y/o boyfriend: have you heard this band? *turns on the beatles*
Interview Tip: When you get the “where do you see yourself in 5 years” question, don’t say “post-apocalyptic tribal warlord”.
I date men who have their life path laid out firmly and never waver.
Sure, their path is psycho or socio, but consistency is admirable.
2035: EVERY CELEBRITY HAS EXPRESSED AN AWFUL OPINION. THE ONLY ENTERTAINMENT IS A SMALL CAT…UNTIL ONE DAY, IT CLEARLY MEOWS “HITLER”