I always stand on the weighing scale naked to get the most accurate measurement. People at the gym need to calm down.
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TEACHER: please take off your hat in class
*I take off my hat revealing a slightly smaller hat*
ME: I can do this 14 more times
Dad vacation to do list
1. Wake up at 6 AM for no reason
2. Buy a local newspaper
3. Complain about the coffee maker
4. Try to make people feel bad for sleeping in
5. Seafood
6. Call the GPS stupid
7. Organize the fishing stuff again
I didn’t know imposter syndrome was contagious, but my boss also thinks I’m terrible at my job.
Broke my New Year’s resolution to exorcise more and now there are poltergeists and demons all over my house.
Remember–the only thing standing between you and your dreams is your appearance, lack of talent, and general personality.
Our cat is an opera when she’s hungry
I’m uncomfortable around tall people. what if they pick me up and put me on their shoulders
Truthfully officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over, if I known all you were gonna do is complain about my driving..
Either you die or it’s a good trampoline. There’s no in-between.
Barbie gave me unrealistic body standards like that my head would fall off.
People who say they don’t have a mean bone in their body haven’t had their back go out on them.
Thursday Thought.
It’s so considerate of drug dealers to make the Police’s job so much easier, by always dressing just like drug dealers
doctor: your heart rate is a little high, have you exercised today?
me: does sex count?
doctor: yes
me: then no
wtf are you supposed to do when maintenance people come over your house? do I stand there and tell him he’s doing a good job?
Doctor: The tests came back. They don’t look good.
The tests: ok wow this is the kind of attitude that made us leave in the first place
[physical exam]
PROCTOLOGIST: can you tell me how many fingers i’m holding up?
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
5: Mommy said I’m a big boy and can’t sleep in her bed anymore
Me [sleeping on couch] she’s right son
Me: Do you want to get dressed up for Thanksgiving dinner?
Husband: Sure! What should we wear?
Me: Shoes?
A married woman hit on me today and it was the most uncomfortable and awkward moment I’ve ever had with my wife.
[crab overhears the words ‘crab cakes’]
*applauds with tiny crab clawed excitement* oooh cakes for crabs
[crab sees the crab cakes]
oh no. oh god no.
Greatest Fears:
-Sharks
-Ebola
-Bears
-Bear Sharks
-Bear Sharks with Ebola
-Sharks with Lazers
-Man carrying a clipboard on the sidewalks
*answers phone call from boss*
I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME AT WORK!
Hubby got all smug when our son asked him for girl advice so I confirmed that if he wants to bag a girl like me then daddy’s the man for the job and shut that shit down
murderer: [rips open my shower curtain] why are you wearing shoes
Lois Lane survived until she was, like, 30, without Superman. Then she starts falling off buildings practically once a week.
I think Superman was pushing her.
Me: goodnight son I love you.
3yo:
Me: I said I love you.
3yo: I love milk.
Me: okay. *unplugs nightlight*
Once, I had a dream so bad I threw away the pillow.
*picks out all the marshmallows from your Lucky Charms*
*replaces them with Flintstones vitamins*You looked a little sickly.