wife: Why is there a broom in the driveway?
me: So your mom doesn’t have to borrow the car
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But what if it’s actually three trench coats disguised as a guy in a trench coat?
When someone says they haven’t seen the end of a show yet, you’re obligated to tell them You know everyone dies, right?
I’m at that age where I can’t simply pick something up, I need to first knock it over and then pick it up.
The scariest thing about the terrorists is how fast they can do the monkey bars in their training camp videos.
“Oh really? Sorry, my emails have been acting funny lately”
They haven’t.
Interviewer: What would you like to get out of this job?
Me: As many free office supplies as possible.
Me: wades through every single customer review and image before making an online purchase
Also me after receiving item: I will die before I rate this product
{Horses on a road trip passing my house}
HORSE 1: *Points at me in my yard* Human.
I hate when a bag of potatoes goes bad because not only are the potatoes wasted but so are all the coins I have to put over their eyes.
[at the opera]
Date: this is going on forever
Me: oh, they can’t stop until I sing
Me: I’m a solid eight
Friend: Wow. Out of ten?
Me: What lol god no
There’s not a day that goes by where I don’t think about that Backstreet Boy asking his pals, “am I sexual?” & they’re like, “yeah.”
“I’m practicing self care” I scream at the buffet waitress as she tries to wrench a whole steam tray full of lobster from my hands
DIET UPDATE: I’ve had to replace the refrigerator light bulb twice since quarantine started
Her: baby I’m so wet
Aqua-Man: *looks around* are you joking right now
You collect clowns AND porcelain dolls??
Are you sure you don’t want some help filling out your dating profile sir?
Them: You have a weird sense of style
Me: *takes off glasses* Rude
Them: But true
Me: *takes off second pair of glasses* Give me an example
Cop: Lets go, boys, no meth in this house.
*zoom to fish tank*
Fish 1: *nods*
Fish 2: [taps on pirate ship] Resume cooking, Lenny.
*bubbles*
Today’s Google Searches, Thanksgiving Edition:
Host: Congratulations! You won the hot dog eating contest!
Me: *mouth full, sitting off to the side of the stage* The what?
Robin: Well, I’m a terrible fighter. I get held hostage hella easy. I say “holy” literally about anything that happens
Batman: You’re hired
this can’t be the same pay my coworkers are raising 3 kids with 🥲
me: *rubs lamp*
genie: I will grant you three wishes
me: can you go away I’m rubbing this lamp
I slept well. My eyebrows evidently tossed and turned.
No one has more false hope than a Mom that brings three books on her beach vacation.
Scored a fantastic Christmas gift for my 11 yr old son today. A pass to the trampoline park with 99 visits! He will be thrilled!
However, I didn’t think this through. Someone now has to take him to said trampoline park. NINETY-NINE TIMES.
You look like you would fail a DNA test
That moment when the woman ur dancing behind bends over so u can grind &u realize she lost an earring & nobody in starbucks can hear ur iPod