[she comes home with a doggy bag]
Her: Here, boy, I have a treat for you *sounds of the dog & I fighting to the death*
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I can smell what the neighbour is grilling but I’ll still yell over “what’s for dinner tonight”? and he’ll say “burgers” and then I’ll say “smells good”.
You know you’re in a good relationship when she turns off all the lights so you can sit together by the window and listen to the neighbors fight.
cop: any drugs on u
me: on or in
cop: what
me: what
My kid keeps saying “When you were alive back in the 1900’s….”
So, my question is can you drop kids off at the fire station in a basket at any age?
5 ways to appear taller
Me: Time for school.
5-year-old: But we had three days off.
Me: So?
5: I can’t go back. I forgot everything.
Teachers don’t get paid enough.
I’ll bet Timmy would never have fallen down that well if his parents would’ve coughed up the money for a HUMAN instead of a dog babysitter.
Dear Ad Agencies,
Please stop using doorbells in your TV commercials.
On behalf of dog owners everywhere,
Thanks!
Looking for a nice bog witch to settle down with
*feels painful possible cavity*
*eats chocolate to feel better*
Finally cleans my toaster tray
Finds the map to the lost city of Arzkab
My boss says that I have some exciting new assignments coming, whoa buddy, I will be the judge of that.
DAD: mommy and I are just having a little fight
KID: are you…gonna get a divorce?
DAD: damn, that thought never occurred to me. That’s a good idea
Nobody runs faster than a parent who suddenly realizes those kids have been playing silently for way too long.
Martial arts movie, starring me
Master: You wish to learn to fight?
Me: Yes
Master: The training is very difficult
Me: Oh then no
The End
We have a fun thing at work where we hide things as a joke. For example, I just hid Nicole’s bowl of candy corn in the dumpster outside.
Ironic
I believe in you. But I also believe in aliens, big foot, and werewolves so don’t get too excited.
How does a Ninja attack a pig?
Pork Chop.
My dog crosses her paws regally while lying on the floor, like she didn’t just eat the contents of the bathroom trash can.
Any sink has a garbage disposal if you push hard enough.
I stick pins and needles in the people I don’t like because can’t afford voodoo dolls.
CIA Agent: First you’re gonna cry, then you’re gonna talk
Me: I’ll never talk
CIA Agent: [puts on the Notebook]
[two hours later]
Me: [crying] he-he just loved her so much you know?
CIA Agent: [also crying] wanna talk about it?
PILOT: Welcome to flying school. Any questions?
ME: Is it possible to crash into a rainbow?
PILOT: Yes it’s how most of you will die. Next?
A world war 2 bunker with fake air vent
I remember when it was just limbo dancers asking “how low can you go?”, now it seems like everyone in the news wants to answer that.
“We’ll get you another ball, Hank.”
when ur a kid the only thing ur worst enemy has to do is find a word that rhymes with ur name and ur cooked. one time my friend’s nemesis called him michael michael motorcycle and he was messed up for days. it didn’t matter how cool motorcycles are. it rhymed. he was toast