Whenever my teen cleans his room, I get a brand new set of dishes.
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Everyone says they want a fairytale wedding. But when I show up and curse their firstborn, suddenly I’m the jerk…
Before you cut the sleeves off your acid wash denim jacket, read the warning label about the associated risks of dying from too much sex.
“How is there a sink full of dirty dishes? I just washed them yesterday.”
—My 10-year-old learning a tough life lesson
I thought I was a decent driver, but while I was driving my 7-year-old comforted her crying baby sister by saying, “Don’t worry. You’ll get used to it.”
Current status: I just turned on the garbage disposal so the cats wouldn’t hear me getting the cheese out of the fridge.
Me: *rubs broom back & forth in front of kid gliding in heelys
Friend: pls stop curling children
Mr. Clean in the streets. Mr. Bean in the sheets.
A great part of video game culture is how you can purchase a night at an inn, and you wake up with full health.
I’ve been to many hotels before, this does not actually happen.
THERAPIST: what’s wrong?
WIFE: he always narrates real life-
ME: she complained
WIFE: see!
ME: she exclaimed
WIFE:
ME: she was speechless
Of course you have no regrets. Regrets are for people smart enough to know they could have done better.
[dragging bathtub into the kitchen]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Toaster cord is too short.
ME: I hate when I look in the mirror and I don’t like the person looking back.
THERAPIST: That’s a window. You’re staring at our gardner, Gary.
Oh, so it’s cute when my toddler says “all done” and hangs up mid call on the phone to my in-laws but when I do it I’m “out of line”.
Yog see woman
Yog ask woman out
Yog go on date
Yog fall in love
Yog act like an idiot
Yog get dumped
Yoghurt.
GPS: Take the next right.
Me:
GPS: Make a U-Turn.
GPS: Make a U-Turn.
Me: [Going 70mph down a hill in a Target shopping cart] I don’t know how to tell you this…
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count downloading gardening shows illegally.
Anyone know how soon I should start roasting our Christmas turkey so I can be sure it will be nice and dry enough in time for the big day?
hello i have a very silly piece about hot dogs in the new yorker today!
you can read the whole thing here:
[trying to stick a dollar in a vending machine]
vending machine: i have a boyfriend
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Cat armor
Buy armor for cats
Cat jousting tournaments
How to stop armored cats
Cat army how to stop
national guard phone #
i love reading medieval census documents because what’s carl doing in there
4: I didn’t know lizards were cold
6:
4:
6: BLIZZards
I struggle against the ropes binding me, catching the scent of gas. “You’ll die too,” I say.
“9 lives,” my cat whispers, lighting a match.
Found something new to say when I leave a room.
Youtube is the only place where you’ll find people arguing about religion in the comments of a snowboarding video.
Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?
Me: What a beautiful language…
unbelievably distressed by this ad
A few years ago I started texting joke ideas to myself and after a few months I found out I’d typed my own number wrong when I got a text back that “please stop doing this”
parents: you are what you eat
kids:
Champagne says I’m classy. Vodka says I can do anything I want. My therapist says I have to stop talking to my drinks.