me: who wants to eat some sweet cheeks?
wife: for the last time, they’re called cinnamon buns
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kids are so chill, they never force you to eat vegetables, like their adult counterparts
If we’re ever drunk together and I say “trust me, this will be fun”, run faster than me or have bail money ready.
Whenever someone mentions rat poison part of me imagines a tiny rodent cover band playing 80s power ballads.
I’m sorry I said the Nazis were also a party when you invited me to celebrate your kid’s first birthday.
Elephant Mum: Never forget where you came from.
Elephant Son: Mum, I’m an elephant; I’m hardly going to forget a thing like that.
Elephant Mum: It’s an expression.
Elephant Son: What is?
I always thought it was socially acceptable to mop up gravy with a piece of bread, but apparently it has to be “your plate” and you have to “have clothes on”.
I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.
Paul McCartney wrote ‘Yesterday’
But he also wrote ‘Obla-de-obla-da’ and ‘Ebony and Ivory’
So, don’t worry if some of your tweets are shit
Noah: I need 2 of every animal
Shark: even us?
Noah: no, you can swim
Unicorn: I’m pretty good at swimming
Noah: go for it
Partner: I’m breaking up with you
Me: Oh why?
Partner: It’s the only speaking in single letters thing, it’s weird
Me: Oh. I see. OK
Me: today I’m not apologizing for ANYTHING!!!!!!
*almost steps on pigeon*
Me: omg sorry sorry sorry
Thank God I wasn’t on twitter when I was in college. It would’ve taken me 65 years to get my degree.
neighbor kid, play fighting: are you ready to taste pain?
my kid, mumbling under his breath: I’m ready to taste cheese
Nothing makes you regret an outfit choice faster than when you see teens looking at you and whispering.
Shuffling into the kitchen in a robe Sunday morning to change the clock on the microwave is the lamest form of time travel ever.
How come it’s called an “engagement ring” and not kneel diamond?
My 20 year old cousin got his own apartment and it’s going pretty well
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: I’m just saying, it’s a very misleading flyer
BODY BUILDING COMPETITION JUDGE: again, we can only apologise
genie: please no
millipede: more legs
these fake antiques roadshow captions are so funny to me
[A THREAD]
“Man, people have a lot of free time on their hands,” says my husband, standing idly by our window for several minutes staring at everyone attending our neighbor’s garage sale.
It should be illegal for your legs to go numb while you’re pooping like what does my body want from me this is harassment and bullying
Mission: Impossible
If you’re wearing sunglasses & it’s not at all sunny out, you can’t get offended when I grab your arm to guide you safely across the street.
My bed hair is on point this morning. JK, I look like humans were designed by a mean toddler
My youngest son’s dirty clothes sit on the floor, beneath the laundry chute.
I admire his hope that they’ll bounce up and swish down.
I feel like my heart’s been ripped out and my soul eaten by a herd of wild cats whenever anyone accuses me of being overly dramatic.
5: “Mommy why not?”
Me: “Because you’re driving me crazy.”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they’re not.