In Maryland we can’t legally carry concealed weapons so our best defense against being murdered is the zig-zag runaway.
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Long story short don’t use sewing scissors to trim your nose hair if you’re drunk
Every morning I wake up and every morning there is no breakfast in bed. We have got to do something about this level of poverty!
911: Could you hide in the closet?
Me: yes oh God no, there’s no room!
911: Under the bed?
Me: I can’t fit!!
Son: Coming ready or not
Me: shit
911: shit
her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok I’ll get him a little towel
I think having a highway to Hell and only a stairway to Heaven says a lot about anticipated traffic numbers.
You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 mins
You can just start calling yourself an olympic hopeful. You don’t have to fill out a form or anything.
People who marry themselves are so silly, like you already live together
I saw an image of Jesus in my breakfast burrito. I asked myself, what would Jesus do? And so I ate him. Two hours later… Holy Shit!
Women’s magazine
Page 14: accept yourself as you are
Page 15: how to lose 5 Kg in 2 weeks
Page 16: best cake recipes ever..
hi aliens, if you’re harvesting humans the best and juiciest ones have a lot of numbers in their bank accounts
Why drive 6 minutes for food when I can order doordash for $93
Psychologist: [holds up inkblot] and this one?
Me: a black swirling pit of despair
Psychologist: nope, it’s a duck wearing a funny hat
FRIEND: Your kitchen looks great
ME: Wanna see the new garbage disposal?
FRIEND: Sure
ME: [opening cupboard to reveal a large raccoon napping] His name is Boris
[After performing the Dirty Dancing lift at our wedding]
ME: Well that sure impressed them!
WIFE [gasping for breath] You’re getting heavier
“I believe I can fry” – R Kelly filling out McDonald’s application
just found out the nhs had my height down as 88cm instead of 1.88 metres and now wondering if my early vaccine was because they thought i was a short dangerously large man
I changed to high thread counts when I moved. I have fallen out of the bed 5 times. Super slippery. No wonder those Egyptians died young. Prolly slid right off they pyramids.
[lost at sea]
FRIEND: There’s a ship! Get the flair
ME: [puts on oversized jewellery]
Just saw a set of sheets online for $1300.
Lemme tell you something…for that kind of money, those sheets better wash themselves, put themselves back on the bed, make my husband stop snoring, remove my eye wrinkles, and give me back the deep, uninterrupted sleep of my youth.
The nurse said take everything off except bra and panties, but all I have under my dress is a tampon string I wish I could pull to parachute right outta here
Protip: Never take a screenshot with the camera sound on in the restroom at work. You will get strange looks as you exit the stall…
I’ve started replacing “yes” with “sure as Kilimanjaro rises like Olympus above the Serengeti.”
It’s not about how funny you are, it’s about how funny people think you are. And the majority of people are mentally retarded.
*growing up in a family of six kids*
Love you dad!
Dad:
My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
Dating sites don’t work for everyone 👎
Always the camel, never the toe.
I want to go on the record by saying I love my family but if I have to spend any longer with them you’ll be seeing me on the 6 o’clock news.
Last night my wife was watching Marie Kondo, this morning I woke up on the curb.