The most important thing I learned in life, and I can’t stress enough, it doesn’t matter where you went to college.
The only thing that matters is that you’re really hot.
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[first day as a buddhist] go ahead. name a person more patient than me. i’ll wait.
Psychiatrist “Tell me about your trust issues.”
Me “No”
I was thinking about blocking the Suez canal but that ship has sailed
In a parallel universe, a zebra is walking around her contemporary decorated house, on top of a skinned blonde chick with big hoops rug.
Working from home has been nice but I’m starting to really miss frantically pressing the “close door” button as my coworker sprints towards the elevator
The day started well when I picked up my car keys to turn on the television.
therapist: if you don’t choose yourself, someone else will
me: agreed. i’ve decided to be a pterodactyl
therapist; that’s progress
me: haven’t tried flying yet
therapist: please don’t
me: you sound just like her
If Disney did a film about a pet rock, they’d still find a way to kill off one of the parents.
I’m not saying he’s a gold digger, but he certainly did not hold back when I took him through the McDonald’s drive thru.
I’m as clever as the person who named bagpipes
Penguins walking in 5x speed
My 3yo wakes me up way too early each morning by singing.
So this morning, I woke up early, went into his room and started singing to show him how much it sucks.
Then we had a duet and my point was missed.
I took off my shirt when I got home and my wife put her eclipse glasses back on.
If you call yourself a “cat photographer” and you are not a cat, gtfo
local news anchors be like “dry cleaners robbed. more as it unfolds” or “priceless da Vinci stolen. details are sketchy” or “pool hall tables vandalized. cops have just scratched the surface” or “building elevator plunges. residents feel shafted” or “
would Iove a queer bar called something normal. Instead it’s like here I am spending another night at the gaping hole
“Thats an exercise in futility” OK great so Im exercising
If your phone gets wet, put it in a bag of rice because maybe an Asian will come by and fix it.
5: Daddy, where do fish come from?
Me: Finland
5: Ohhhhhhh
My nephew asks so many questions that Alexa just told him it’s okay to bathe with the toaster.
Sorry you didn’t win Best Picture, “Mad Max: Fury Road,” but if Trump wins the election, you can re-submit for “Best Documentary.”
It’s just a bunch of grown men too stubborn to ask for directions, so they are driving around in circles.
~Me explaining NASCAR to my daughter
DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news. The bad news is we can’t reattach your arms.
ME: Oh no. What’s the good news?
DOCTOR: You’ve reached your goal weight.
ME: *I try to fist pump but nothing happens*
Maybe the raccoons threw away something very important. Did you ever think about that you big jerk.
My cousins baby child keeps pointing at me and saying ‘cat’
I’ve reached the age where haircuts would be cheaper if my hairdresser charged per strand.
[texting]
WIFE: need to talk when u get home
ME: about what
WIFE: too much to text just wait till u get home
ME: *never goes home*
[meeting a friend’s new baby]
cool so do you have any non human pets?
Him: Sarah is dead.
Me: Oh Thank God! She wasn’t answering my emails and I thought she was mad at me…
what if we kissed on the garfield couch