.@rickygervais Ricky, if you can get Twitter to verify me, you will be the first atheist allowed into heaven.
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When you’re in the shower, and you hear loud thumps and you think
“THEY’RE KILLING MY FAMILY, AND I’LL HAVE TO FIGHT THE ATTACKER NAKED”
[My son watching a film set in Victorian England]: It’s like they are speaking cursive.
Every time I have sex I hear sitcom laughter in my head
Santa keeps a pair of mounted antlers over his fireplace to keep the reindeer from unionizing.
Me: It isn’t Max on the original Mad Max movie poster. It’s his friend Goose
Priest: Would anyone else like to say a few words? Perhaps about the deceased this time?
[David Attenborough narrating my life]
Once again the young offspring attempts to leave the nest. Once again he has flown into a wall
It’s almost as if the kids at this campsite don’t get how funny it is that I bust in their tent at 4am wearing a clown suit & holding an ax.
This whiskey tastes like my neighbours will be listening to Metallica.
4, crawling into bed with me at 3am: mommy? i had a nightmare
me: me too. what was yours?
4: ghosts were chasing me. what was yours?
me: that I didn’t have kids and I could get a full night’s sleep
4: you know nightmares aren’t real?
me: yeah, I do
Good luck listening to 80’s music without imagining my silhouette doing karate poses.
It’s only a matter of time before the zombies are afraid to eat our brains because we’re such idiots.
nothing kills high school nostalgia faster than a scroll down your facebook feed
wanton disregard: extreme lack of care for the well-being or rights of another individual
wonton disregard: using wontons as the target at a shooting range
the dog ran into a fence chasing a squirrel. she doesn’t look anything like me but she’s mine. i can tell
me [sliding my therapist 20$]: so what’s my problem, doctor?
therapist [loudly]: you’re just too good at sex, unbelievably good
hot ikea salesman: ok firstly you can’t do this here, secondly what
[restaurant]
WAITRESS: Would you like a lunch menu or a dinner menu?
ME: No thanks. I don’t eat menus.
Yes, Kiddo drank her carrot juice, if by “drank,” we mean surreptitiously pouring it into my Boston fern.
Well, well, well. If it isn’t that same mistake I’ve made several times already.
Found out it’s $3000 to get laser eye surgery and $300 to get laser hair removal so I’m just gonna get the hair removal on my eyebrows and scootch up a bit when they start.
From my experience, the worst thing you can say at the end of a date is, “That’ll do, pig.”
A customer just told me that it takes a 14 mile run to work off 1 Oreo. Don’t worry she’s dead now
Mankind has made a lot of mistakes, some of them truly monstrous. The Holocaust. Slavery. Calling it a “corn maze” and not a “maize maze.”
Just had a drink at an airport Bubba Gump Shrimp Co and I’m appalled they don’t have a cocktail named Rum Forrest Rum.
Him- I’ll have a lemona…
Me- He’ll have water with lemon, and I will too. Extra lemon please.
Server- Ahh, yes, the free lemonade.
american companies transporting deadly chemicals anywhere
therapist: whats the problem?
me: i keep having a reoccurring dream where there are five of me and we’re all yellow.
therapist: sounds like you’re bananas
Date: so where do you see yourself in ten years?
Me: (remembering women like commitment) living happily with a wife (remembering women like mystery) whose murder remains unsolved
Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out
No, I’m not wearing lipgloss, I’ve just been eating salami.
Bought a kazoo to stick in my husband’s mouth when he snores so he can wake himself up in the most annoying way possible