The Ten Commandments of Ayn Rand #XmasAMovie
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me: fancy a movie?
them: what do you have in mind?
me: “500 Days of Summer” maybe?
them: what’s it about?
me: August 2020
Wife: HAHAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA
[we put our clothes back on]
I let soap touch his cast iron frying pan yesterday, so can I sleep on someone’s couch for a while?
Well of course the way to survive a shark attack is to climb a tree duh
Calling peoples opinions of me “fan theories “
Watched my neighbor pull off this morning with his coffee on top of his car.
I could have warned him, but I’m out of stuff to watch.
As parents we have to make sacrifices all the time. Today I had to eat my kid’s ice cream because she couldn’t finish it.
Whoever has my voodoo doll can you give it a job
Things i use duct tape for, by percentage:
Pranks: 35%
Car repair: 35%
Wrapping presents: 20%
Medical emergencies: 10%
Ducts: 0%
How to tell if you’re wearing too much Axe:
1. Are you wearing Axe?
No- Good.
Yes- That’s too much.
(One of my sons murders the other) hey cut the crap. both of you. knock it off
First day as a vet
Him: I need you to take a look at my turtle.
Me: the reptile dysfunction?
[Burying dinosaur bones]
Dog Aliens: We’ll come back for these later
Baby Dinosaur: Mama, are we born just to die?
Dinosaur: No, baby. One day we’ll also become toxic fuels for idiot meat robots
There are 7 members of Maroon 5 and now I can’t trust anything anymore
Why did I schedule my dental cleaning first thing on a Monday morning? I hate who I was 6 months ago.
I want a boyfriend but I also want the pizza all to myself so you see my dilemma
Top 3 things that cause my 10yo the most fear and trepidation:
3. Oversized sharks
2. Rooms with large spiders in them
1. Being served a burger with mayonnaise on it
*shouting like a carnival barker* Worry, worry, worry!
I just want to be high enough on the corporate ladder so I can walk around the office and yell at ppl while I’m eating a salad
Witness: … she said it, exactly so… verbatim.
Judge: *checks notes* Who the heck is Verb and who did he eat?!
[Road trip]
me: *pops in disc* don’t talk while this is on
kids: it’s just a blank CD
me: SHHH
call me an overworked optometrist the way eye care too much
$4 #usedbooks
[walking into a store on september 1st]
employee: MERRY CHRISTMAS!
impressing strangers by telling them i drive a Nissan Easy Bake Oven
do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
Thanks for explaining my tweet to me I was wondering what I meant
Twitter needs an aquarium for all the catfish that I net.
This Halloween I’m going as a pissy woman who eats all the good candy and doesn’t answer the door after 8pm.