[opening day at fast food place]
manager: all the orders in?
employee: yes.
manager: the electrical all set?
employee: yes.
manager: and the chairs. do they grate loudly against the floors?
employee: yes.
manager: perfect. we’re ready.
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If Twitter has taught me anything it’s that I’m glad I am not a therapist
*relates to your tweet in the wrong way*
I was out with my bf and a waiter called me a ‘cradle robber’ cuz he’s 18 and I’m 43.
Totally ruined our 10th anniversary.
I hug people I hate so I know how big I need to dig the hole in my backyard.
me: i won employee of the month
her: ur self-employed
me:
her:
me: i also got demoted
Kid: Can I eat candy for breakfast?
Me: No of course not! Now finish your donuts.
Refrigerators are actually sentient beings, but we keep putting magnets on them, and erasing their memories.
Just remembered a few years ago when I took my friends phone, went into his contacts and changed my name to Natalie Portman. A few days later I rang him and he answered, surprised but with real hope in his voice, “Hello… Natalie?”
Roger Clemens is pitching for a Texas team named the Sugar Land Skeeters? They sound more like an Atlanta Strip Club than a baseball team.
I put my shirt on like everyone else. How I get my pants on, however, involves a spatula and 8 monkeys with Navy SEAL-like precision.
My coworker replaced her chair with an exercise ball to “work her core.”
I’m eating a giant chocolate chip cookie for breakfast.
I win.
Two submissives sitting in a tree.
N O T H I N G
The 2024 federal budget promises billions of dollars in new spending. Aw, that’s so sweet, they’re gonna do a single grocery run for us!
robber: empty the register now
me: sir this is a motel
robber: hurry up
me: ok *opens binder, starts erasing names*
I buy seedless grapes because let’s leave the grape growing to the vineyards.
I once spent some time with my grandson’s second grade class so I think I have a pretty good idea of how government works.
Fun Fact: 100% of people don’t know what to do with a dirty dish at someone else’s house.
When my girl was five I was reading to her from a little book about George Washington.
Me: As a boy he liked to ride horses and fish.
Her: He liked to ride fish?!
It’s been nine years but in my mind he’s still riding that big beautiful fish.
I have the impulse control of a random number generator.
Before Geronimo was born in 1829 what the hell did people yell when they jumped off things?
The groom watches his bride slowly raise the hem of her beautiful lace gown in preparation for the garter game revealing a giant pair of shiny red clown shoes and suddenly the line about “in circus and in health” made perfect sense.
What idiot called it Airport Facilities Maintenance and not Hangar Management?
If you aren’t amazed by a plant showing up after you put a seed in the ground, we have nothing to talk about. Unless you’re like, really hot.
My horoscope was so wrong today I’m beginning to doubt the science behind this life planning tool.
My 6yo daughter is chasing her 2yo sister with a baby doll, calling “mommy mommy,” and my 2yo is running away from her and yelling “I HAVE TO WORK!”
My neighbour got drunk and left a case of beer on his front porch last night.
In other news, I just got a free case of beer.
Nothing gets my Batman voice going quite like seeing my kid put a third pair of socks into the hamper before noon.
[trying to get out of date]
ME: Oh sorry, I have a missed call from 911
HIM: That’s not how-
ME: *mouthing* IT’S AN EMERGENCY
I miss the days before security cameras, when everything at the store was free.
Oh look the neighbors have a Halloween inflatable
-releases the cats