2020: My work here is done. Nothing will ever top my masterpiece.
2021: Hold my Mountain Dew.
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Marvel are too COWARDLY to answer the REAL question: how many spiders can fit in one man
Guilt should be a condiment. It goes on everything.
my favorite coworker in meetings:
2019: whoever brings snacks
2020: whoever offers to take notes
2021: whoever cancels the meeting
I ate everything, including the H.
Flatulent: (n.) a small apartment in Brooklyn you let a friend borrow
Shout out to Marco Polo for inventing finding people
My imaginary friend says you need a therapist.
“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit
When your emotional bank account is empty you have “insufficient funs”
Another family? In this one I want to be the cross-dressing uncle, @funTweeters.
I told the baby to stop throwing her cup and she immediately grabbed it, took a long drink, threw it across the room and then looked me dead in the eye and said, “Uh oh.”
The corner of this table hurt me and made me cry, so now we’re dating
I want to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by a rainforest.
Boobs are to men what laser pointers are to cats.
I want an HGTV show called “How Do You Like Your Open Concept Now?”
[things I worry about on vacation]
1) Getting eaten by a shark
2) Worrying that I didn’t get eaten by a shark because it assumed I tasted funny
Me: Whats wrong babe?
Her: Nothing.
Me:*Pauses DVD of Shrek 2 that Ive had on a loop since losing my job* No somethings wrong I can tell.
Imagine how hard it must have been before photography existed, having to hold a pose in the bathroom while painting your selfie.
30s: Oh look, a dance floor!
50s: Oh look, a couch!
neighbor complimenting my jack-o-lantern: wow is that hand carved?
me: *wiggling my fingers* haha no it’s real.
“Ive fallen ill with Coronavirus”
-panic inducing
-everyone will think you don’t wash your hands“I’ve been coronated”
-not as scary
-are you royalty?
-can I borrow your crown?
-you can’t probably marry a celebrity now
“Bring forth the sacrifice. The ritual must proceed.”
Date: what do iguanas eat?
Me: no idea, why?
Date: you’ve got 5 of them
Me: 2, those 3 are dead. I told you, I’ve no idea what they eat
“Alas, I am surrounded. You must fight on, gentlemen, I fear that it is too late for me. Now come and get me you savages, we shall travel to Hell together!”
At what ages do your kids who are 10 years apart stop fighting with each other? Because it’s not 19 & 9 😒
honestly if it were raining men I would not hallelujah
I was offered a brownie at work and when I opened the box, it was filled with brown colored letter E’s.
Her: I’m so wet
Him: I’m so hard
Eavesdropping alien: These people are bad at describing themselves.
*moves all unread emails to trash
Omg I got so much done today.
I LEFT MY TEDDY IN MY ROOM AND THE HOUSEKEEPER DID THIS??;!;!;!!;!;