I know Pluto isn’t a planet you moron. Pluto’s a dog.
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[during prison riot] guys we don’t need to swear
Oh I don’t know. I woke up 2 hours early to get some laundry done. How do you THINK IT’S GOING?
*opens door*
Stop screaming!
*opens door*
What broke?!
*opens door*
Just wait until I get out there!!
~parenting from the bathroom
My daughter cuddled into me and said she loves me, which I thought was really cute until I realised she was stealing my muffin
*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*
“You get 2 wishes.”
I wish I got 3 wishes.
“Your wish is granted.”
Nice, nice.
“You have 2 left.”
GOD: That’s the last of the animals. Now add warning colors to the poison ones
ANGEL: Will do
GOD: But not all of them, keep some surprises
Hey, I tried to parallel park into a spot and goosed it twice so I’m just gonna go home. Enjoy brunch though, I’ll catch you next week.
Thinking about this 37 year old baby from a flight safety brochure
If your wife offers to cook you eggs and bacon at 3 in the morning, it’s not your wife and you’re at the Waffle House drunk again.
I’m sorry your baby is crying right now. Have you tried taking it farther away from me?
I can’t believe there was a time in my life when someone had to make me take a nap.
Hey is it just me or is there another two-letter pronoun used to refer to oneself as the object of a verb or preposition?
creepiest cooking vid i’ve ever seen
Hide and seek but only they forget to look for you.
Them:
Me: damn I picked a good spot.
rumpelstiltskin: your child is mine unless you can guess my name within three days
barista: oh no
I’m a conflict avoider until someone wants to share my food
Just accidentally swallowed some Listerine. Expecting a minty fresh poop in the near future.
Welcome to Starbucks how may I help you?
“Regular coffee with cream please”
That’s $40, 5ml of unicorn tears, and 10 dragon scales.
“TEN?”
Wife: our friends won’t call us back cuz they’re sick of your conspiracy theories and seafood puns
Me: maybe they were all abducted by UFOs, seems awfully fishy to me
happy mother’s day here is the result of my mom voice texting while talking to her dog
*puts ranch dressing on chicken*
aww look at his little cowboy hat and boots, how cute is that
*deletes fb account*
*leaves social media*
*goes to Himalayas*
*pigeon comes with a note*
*opens note*
*candy crush request*
*dies*
Re-reading Wuthering Heights is a great reminder that 150 years ago, if you, say, sprained an ankle at a neighbor’s house, you just lived there for five weeks until it healed.
Annoying to think of how many lives on the Titanic could have been saved if only they had seen the movie.
Guys, if you leave my tweet at the top of your timeline two days in a row, I’m sending out engagement announcements.
Maybe Millennials aren’t having children because we lived through the nightmare of raising Tamagotchis. :/
Stands at the gates of hell.
Waves to my mother in law.
Leaves.
MARTY McFLY: Wait a minute, Doc. Are you telling me that you built a time machine… out of a Prius?
DOC BROWN: This car will repel women in any time period, Marty. We don’t want anyone accidentally hooking up with their mothers.
“You stand accused of 3 counts of first degree murder.”
“Look, I’m a lot of things–”
“Are you a murderer?”
[bites lower lip]
“Little bit.”
A study was just published that shark attacks happen most often in water. Now I have to worry about the ones that occur elsewhere.