scotsman: are yeh thinkin what i’m thinkin?
other scotsman: jab a few pipes in a sheep stomach and play the same note for three hours?
scotsman: aye, laddie, jab a few pipes in a sheep stomach and play the same note for three hours
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“But, Daddy, I don’t want to shower, because after I’m done with the shower, and before I dry off, I’m really soaked…”
– My kid, coping with the realization that water is wet.
Chef: I like it when the roast beef falls apart.
Roast beef: *starts talking about its ex-boyfriend*
Thank you for showing me your Facebook wedding album. Now if you have time, here is a slideshow of my top 36 scores in Mario Kart
Superman: Cool underwater lair. Can I use the bathroom?
Aquaman: The what?
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
9yo niece: *eyeing my engagement ring with suspicion* THAT doesn’t look like a real diamond to me
me: *eyeing my husband with suspicion*
GENIE 1: he wanted money so i made him a bank robber, ha
GENIE 2: i just…gave mine money
GENIE 1: LMAO YOU GUYS, JERRY JUST GAVE IT TO HIM
Apparently nothing offends a toddler more than suggesting they might be due for a nap.
“Sorry I’m late”
Why are there scratches all over your face?
“Jujitsu training”
You can scratch in jujitsu?
“It’s my cat’s best move”
I was trying to be fancy using a pepper grinder and now I’m just exhausted from the manual labor
Dear boyfriend, i can make ur girlfriend scream louder than u can.
Sincerely, spiders
My flex is downloading a software update when I start work so I can immediately take a two hour break
I like making detailed sketches of animals but when it comes to snakes I draw a line
” Let me be perfectly clear” – My Aquarium
“Here kid. I hope you like not getting laid until college because your bedroom is a giant dinosaur now.”
-extreme home makeover
Started watching that Godzilla King Kong movie and the first lines of dialogue are basically a scientist saying “Well Godzilla and King Kong are definitely going to have to fight each other, as you know they have an ancient rivalry”
Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: Have you considered just letting a homeless man sleep on your couch, instead?
Great Canadian literature.
Customer: Do you guys have wings?
Me, working in a food truck: just the wheels.
Apparently showing the pharmacist a picture of my wife was not a good enough reason to get Valium without a prescription.
Someday, scientists will capture the energy of eye rolls to produce electricity, and the world will be a cleaner, more sarcastic place.
Live, Laugh, Love
Leer, Lunge, Lactate
Do things that start with L
Will Smith: “Jaden, I want you to star in this 100 million dollar movie with me”
My Dad: “Shut up and hold this flashlight Steve”
I made a list of the top 10 most popular wordplay jokes, to see if any of them actually made me laugh.
No pun in ten did.
My elbow watching me do a full skin care routine on my face.
barista: room for cream?
me: oh you must be new *puts hand on his shoulder* that’s called a refrigerator
Neighbor: Do you want to see our new baby?
Me: I didn’t even want to see the old one
President, first day on the job: *pushing a button* Janet can you-
[two nuclear missiles launch towards Moscow]
That wasn’t the intercom.
Wife: It’s sweltering in here. We need to get the AC fixed.
Me: Look at this gif, it’ll cool you down.
Wife: I forget, did you want to be buried or cremated?
4-year-old: We’re playing Star Wars. I’m a Jedi and Mom is a stormtrooper.
Me: What am I?
4-year-old: In the way.