“how’d your football team football today?”
those footballers footballed quite well…really good footballin’
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“Every action has an equal and opposite reaction.”
– Isaac Newton, observing me on a date
not sure why everyone acts like it’s so hard to make plans with your friends as an adult because my friend and I just planned our hangout tomorrow in 5 minutes and it only took us 3 months to find a day that works
My Indian name is dances without coordination.
Remember in 90’s movies when the hot girl would enter a party in slow motion? That’s what happens when I walk in a buffet.
why would tinder want me to say this
This poor girl dropped her salad in the parking lot, so I grabbed her hand and said “Lettuce pray”
I got 99 problems and they’re all friend requests from people I didn’t like in high school.
My wife always accuses me of having a favourite child. It’s not true, I love Matthew and Not-Matthew equally.
Lied on my résumé and got the hospital job. Hope performing surgery doesn’t come up.
wait I thought laser eye surgery meant I get laser eyes
BREAKING NEWS: Due to the horrible conditions at Sochi, the Olympics have been moved to a much safer place.. Chernobyl.
When a Nokia phone warns you about low battery, you have at least 1 month to find where the charger is lying in your house.
me: *joking* i’m always right! i’m NEVER wrong.
7: well. sometimes you are. remember when –
me: shut up
Who’s drunk
*raises leg
Why are cops the only ones who get to go undercover? Why can’t a dentist? Coming soon, Undercover Dentist
My wife said she wanted to do it missionary style, so I forced her to change religions and gave her smallpox.
[airport security]
*BEEP*
Ma’am, step through again
*BEEP*
Nice try pal, I’m not removing my Slayer shirt
Ma’am, please it’s too much metal
I’m in trouble with the wife because I toss and turn so much she can’t lean the iPad against me while watching her show about a lady who murders her husband.
Girlfriend, catching my gaze: What are you thinking?
Me [still furiously trying to work out why the frog in Frogger dies when it goes in water, and why the Flintstones celebrated Christmas]: Just how right everything feels when I’m with you.
The leather seats in your car waiting for you to wear shorts on a hot day
So inspired right now.
First date
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m currently trying to eliminate all cancers
Her: Wow, impressive
Him: Then I’ll move on to Virgos
*at the end of a 3 day weekend*
Me: I will miss the kids when they go back to school tomorrow, I wish we had more time
The universe: here is a snow delay
Me: no, not like that
There’s a doctor here to see you.
Doctor who?
No, I think it’s a non time traveling one.
Me: *wandering around ‘Free Speech’ rally* “Hey, when do they give out the peaches?! Anyone?!”
The Lion King is probably my favorite children’s movie about running away from your problems until you’re strong enough to kill your uncle.
someone reached out to my manager not too long ago, asking to confirm a rumor that jason momoa and i were dating. my manager said “absolutely not” hahahha i was like damn! at least meet me half way and just say we did “over the clothes stuff”
You learn something new everyday. Yesterday I learned eating 29 SlimJims gives me diarrhea. Today I learned eating 28 also gives me diarrhea
They’re creepy, but cult leaders get shit done.
Maternal instincts are incredible. For example, now that I’m a mom, I automatically start salivating if someone uncorks a bottle of wine within a half mile radius of my location.