“You’ve reached 911”
Knock knock
“Sir ple-”
Knock knock
“This is not-”
Knock knock
“ok, who’s there?”
Ben
“Ben who”
Ben shot real bad
“NICE”
You Might Also Like
Nudes are overrated. You should probably just send me a picture of those little plastic swipy things in your wallet.
*Michael Cera presses too hard with a crayon and breaks his wrist*
If Die Hard is a Christmas movie, then a sleeveless vest is perfectly suitable attire for dinner with your mother, Sharon.
The only excuse for the kinds of storms that have been coming is that someone somewhere is losing a game of Jumanji…
Doctor: How long ago did you injure your shoulder?
Women: 9:45am on Monday at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 2002
(Vegan zombie)
“Mmmm ….. grains”
If you encounter a bear you should either play dead or be so vibrant that the bear is like “whatever this person seems exhausting.”
I have this theory that McDonald’s hamburgers are actually made out of their employees. That’s why they’re always hiring.
British people be like “gotta bring the car to the mechanic for a chune-up”
when the author kills off your favorite character 😭😭😭
Play Nickleback during my funeral. Because I want everyone who attends to really cry.
*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
definitely thought i’d be solving mysteries and unmasking ghosts in a van with a dog by this point in my life
-Your house is amazing. Why are u renting this cheap?
-It’s haunted by a low level demon
Demon: Wow I’m right here that is like so hurtful
Everyone talking about a baby boom in nine months can only be talking about first borns
The last thing anyone quarantined at home with kids right now wants is more kids
GENIE: You have three wishes.
ME: I wish I had a million dollars.
GENIE: Granted. You had a million dollars.
Me, starting a diet:
7am: Egg white veggie omelet, fruit
9am: one slice of cake instead of two
This guy on Animal Planet is looking for some kind of leopard and I’ve never wanted someone to be eaten by a leopard more than I do right now.
“Genetically modified food is very much safe for human consumption” the tomato on my plate reassuringly explained to me.
Sometimes I like to play the power card and remind my husband that I was once woken up to a phone hitting me in the head. He tied it to the ceiling fan to reach a certain number of steps and it flew off.
I wonder if anyone ever told Hitler “just be yourself”.
H: Can you call my phone? I can’t find it.
M: Sure. PHONE? PHOOOOOONNNE?! PHONE, WHERE ARE YOU?!
H: Have you been day drinking?
Me: I can do whatever I want through Christ who strengthens me
Attorney: ok but again, as your lawyer I strongly advise you to not say that in court
“I didn’t go to grad school to assemble agenda folios for the quarterly board meeting” I think as I drizzle Dawn into the CEO’s coffee pot.
*pushes you to the couch and latches on*
I’m a koala, and you’re my eucalyptus tree.
*pretends to eat your hair*
“An eye for an eye?”
– a cannibal at a swap meet
Me: New rule, if you leave the dinner table without saying “Excuse me,” we will assume you’re done and I will eat the remaining fries right off your plate.
9yo: should we tell 5yo once she gets back to the table?
Me: (speaking through a mouthful of 5yo’s fries) nah
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
Cigarettes are a lot like hamsters. Perfectly harmless until you put one in your mouth and light it on fire.
It’s adorable when my mom says “It’s your mom” on my voicemail like I’ve never heard her voice before.