I just accidentally said “I love you” when hanging up with the auto shop guy, so I’m just going to leave my car there and buy a new one
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I read that the middle child is becoming extinct, so I guess you could say I’m an endangered species.
Dear neighbor who mows his yard early in the morning tomorrow,
I found my bagpipes for tonight.
“Are you pro gay?” he asked. “Amateur at best,” I replied
HI I’M GOING TO HAVE AN UNCOMFORTABLY LOUD YET PRIVATE PHONE CALL ON THIS BUS AND EXHIBIT A STUNNING LACK OF SELF-AWARENESS. THANK YOU.
nobody:
90’s boybands:
(-(-_(-_-)_-)-)
Me: I can’t wait for this pandemic to be over so I can go back to hanging out in person with friends, visiting relatives, showering every day…
Her: Nothing is stopping you from showering every day now.
Me: Do you even hear how crazy you sound right now?
Nicknames are way more fun when the other person doesn’t know they have one.
The “Allosaurus you can eat” buffet was very popular with Jurassic Park visitors. After the fences failed it was also popular with the Allosaurus.
Me: *covers foot with blanket*
Monster 1: *about to grab my foot anyway*
Monster 2: *quickly pulling him back* NO. we have to respect the blanket Franklin
Tired: Clapping when the plane lands
Wired: Clapping when the Lyft arrives
I hate when people say “think again.” Buddy, I wasn’t even thinking in the first place.
My neighbours probably think I’m getting laid, but these are just the sounds I make whenever I take my socks off.
“Doesn’t it feel good to Payless?” no, i want to be rich & shop at good stores
i love reading medieval census documents because what’s carl doing in there
I’m 38 and still have no idea what to do with my hands while I’m being arrested.
Not sure how to cuddle propawly
📹 absolute_kaos1 | IG
Chopped: College Edition.
“In your mystery basket: Ramen Noodles, coffee, crippling debt, a worthless degree. Chefs, you have 30 minutes.”
The worst thing about the boom in restaurant deliveries is the normalizing of eating lukewarm food.
It’s daylight savings time which means the clock in my car is about to be correct again
The initials of the Sri Lankan players read like DOS commands. MKDIR, CHKDSK.
[trying to remove items separately from the washing machine]
laundry: you will not divide us we are one entity now FEAR US
I loathe tweets like “Be somebody’s beautiful tragedy”. Might as well tweet using a random word generator.
“Be golf brisket honkytonk”
[Thanksgiving 2020]
Me *crying*: I’m fine, just chopping onions
Him: that’s a carrot
My dad: what kind of dog is that?
Me: Rhodesian Ridgeback.
Dad: Rhode Island douche bag?
Me: close enough.
Wife: can you make the bed
Me, a failed carpenter: ok that’s low, Sharon
We only teach “stop, drop and roll” to put out fire but honestly if you do it in pretty much any social situation it will also stop that.
You couldn’t make Blazing saddles today. it took way more than a day to make that movie.. and it’s like 10:00 right now.
Cigarettes that help you quit chewing gum.
AC changed “dies slow death” to “does slow death” and that actually feels more on point
I told a 5th grader during the school costume parade that I liked her Beetlejuice costume and she said she liked mine too but I’m not wearing one. Today she made a very mediocre enemy.