Men: Take Route 2 to the 156 and get on the 7.
Me: I DO NOT KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS.
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History Trivia: In many photographs of Hitler,a golden retriever wearing a Nazi uniform can be seen. This is notorious war criminal Herr Bud
Every 2020 wine has to be bad. You can’t open a cabernet in 2026 like “oh, 2020. That was a good year.”
I don’t want to alarm anyone but there’s only 365 shopping days left until Christmas
If I was a kitty, I would smack you off the table.
*dents another car while parking*
*leaves note under windshield wiper*
“Material possessions are ephemeral and evanescent. Move on. I know I have.”
Halloween is great bc kids just show up at your door and hold out bags of candy for you to steal
Everyone’s a badass until Mufasa dies.
‘oh there’s not a big enough piece of cheese left to grate I’ll just eat this last bit’ *shoves 2/3 of a mozzarella ball in my mouth*
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: ….Punches 6yo in the face.
Me: Woah,what the hell was that for?
8yo: He knows.
Me at 5 p.m.: One cup of coffee won’t keep me from sleeping tonight.
Me at 2 a.m.:
When I die, I am going to haunt a hot dog and make it jump out of the bun like a dolphin.
Fun Fact: If you wear scrubs, people will tell you all kinds of unsolicited and disgusting problems.
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
I’m like a cheetah, but slow.
My reaction to being on a flight with a lot of kids is that I really wish they made light up theme sneakers in my size
All firemen must dread the moment when they’re done for the day and have to find the strength to climb back up the pole.
Looking at his shirt, it’s hardly a surprise.
Why didn’t any of Spider-man’s enemies attack him with an enormous broom.
[inventing colonization]
britain: i wish the whole world was this miserable
[if I acted in real life the way guys do online]
*running up to interrupt 2 guys I don’t know, super out of breath* hey, just wanna let you know that joke you made earlier sucked big time
Zodiac Killer: *serial killing*
Victim: why are you doing this?
Zodiac Killer: you know how Scorpios are lol
Emperor: Luke, kill Vader and become my apprentice.
Vader: But why? I’ve been loyal.
Emperor: Have you ever listened to yourself breathe?
Why do we only do certain things for toddlers? Maybe I want some applause when I eat a piece of fruit.
Psssst. You guys. When Canada is sleeping we should sneak up there and remove the all the U keys from their keyboards.
TEACHER: can anybody tell me the answer to this problem
ME: *raising hand confidently* no
7: Mom! Will you play Uno with me?? I already have it set up and I definitely didn’t look at the cards before!
Me: Well I’m convinced.
The 80s gave me the unrealistic expectation that I would eventually see a mannequin come to life.
(Item doesn’t scan)
Me: Does that mean it’s free?
Cashier: You’re literally the 100th person to use that line today.
Me: Does being the 100th person to use that line today mean I get it for free?
I’m so broke identity thieves sent a fruit basket with a note.
“Sorry about the ID theft. Please tell your creditors to stop calling us.”